deuce: MONEY.ZIP deuce: VIEW.EXE deuce: INTRO_TO_AOL.TAR deuce: WIFEY.AVI deuce: I HOPE YOU GO EASIER ON MY NUTS THAN USUAL

pants: IF YOU SEE A SOCK IN A PARKING LOT DON'T TOUCH IT THE MOTHER MIGHT REJECT IT THEN DEATH IS ALL BUT A CERTAINTY

deuce: FOLKS CAN WE ALL AGREE LONG AFTER THE FACT THAT THREE AMIGOS WAS NOT FUNNY spigot: I'M IN AGREEMENT deuce: NOW LET'S MAKE OUT spigot: I MEAN IT'S HILARIOUS spigot: I MEAN IT'S SO NOT FUNNY IT'S HILARIOUS: WHATEVER PUTS DISTANCE BETWEEN US spigot: NOT TOO MUCH DISTANCE spigot: I MISS YOU spigot: HELLO spigot: (GURK) DEAD deuce: {{{ DIARRHEA }}}

BUNG: STEP 1: ADMIT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM BUNG: STEP 2: GO TO THE STORE AND SOLVE STEP 1 DEUCE: GHLGLHGHLGLHG BUNG: STEP 3: WIPE UP THE RESULTS OF STEP 2 DEUCE: GLGLG

spigot: HONK spigot: BONK spigot: YANK

deuce: I JUST WANT TO BE HELD AND NOT DROPPED pants: OR SLAMMED, SMASHED, THROWN, TOSSED OR OTHERWISE MANGLED pants: PLEASE pants: URFFFFFFFFFFFF THE TOILET BRUSH BARKGKRGF'

spigot: BAM BAM BAM pants: OCCUPIED spigot: GIMME YOUR WALLET pants: PARDON??? spigot: GIVE IT UP WHITEY pants: NO spigot: GIVE IT UP HOMES pants: NO spigot: HOMESLICE pants: NO spigot: HOME FRIES pants: NO spigot: SEASONED CURLY FRIES pants: NO AND NO spigot: I'M OUT OF TOILET PAPER

pants: I WAS ONLY IN THERE WITH HIM BECAUSE HE THREATENED ME pants: WELL I *FELT* THREATENED ANYWAY pants: AND THAT'S WHAT THE WHOLE TOILET STORY IS REALLY ABOUT spigot: I THINK YOU WERE JUST COLD pants: OKAY spigot: I THINK YOU DO KNOW spigot: I THINK YOU COULD ELABORATE MUCH MORE ABOUT WHAT GOES IN THOSE PLACES pants: DON'T BLOW IT FOR ME spigot: "DUH SPIGOT I'M GOING OUT FOR SMOKES BACK LATER" YOU DON'T EVEN SMOKE

spigot: I WAS BORN IN A SMALL TOWN spigot: LICKED DICK IN A SMALL TOWN spigot: IT WAS MORE LIKE A STALL TOWN spigot: HITLER HAD JUST ONE BALL TOWN

spigot: quick reminder that silence=death spigot: and also that silence=golden spigot: so through the transitive property spigot: i would like a bj

deuce: STAGE 1: WAKE UP deuce: STAGE 2: WALK TOWARD COMPUTER TO SEE HOW MY SUICIDE GIRLS APPLICATION PROCESS IS GOING deuce: STAGE 3: STEP ON TRAP DOOR AND FALL INTO PORTAL CHAIN THAT EJECTS ME INTO SPACE deuce: STAGE 4: LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS 10-15 SECONDS LATER DUE TO ZERO ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE deuce: STAGE 5: EXPERIENCE BRAIN DEATH IN 3-5 MINUTES DUE TO ANOXIA deuce: STAGE 6: COOL TO AMBIENT TEMPERATURE BASED ON INSOLATION deuce: STAGE 7: INCONSPICUOUSLY ORBIT THE SUN FOREVERMORE deuce: STAGE 8: JUSTICE

spigot: LEVER > TRAP DOOR > ORANGE PORTAL > BLUE PORTAL > OUTER SPACE spigot: THE TRAP DOOR IS IMPORTANT SO SHE ACCUMULATES VELOCITY FOR HER TRIP INTO DEEP SPACE

.(atandt): ASHAMED OF MY BEHAVIOR (atandt): FORGOT TO PAY FEES TO THE TROLL GUILD atandt: NOW AN EX-TROLL

pants: I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH PAC-MAN COULD SOMEONE HELP pants: WHAT IS WITH THE LITTLE GHOSTS pants: AND THE BLACK GUY I HAFTA BLOW FOR QUARTERS

spigot: ARE WE STILL DOING THE TWIST spigot: COME ON / BABY spigot: LET'S SUCK / THESE / DICKS spigot: ROUND AND ROUND AND OKAY SHE'S NOT BREATHING spigot: PUT HER IN THE TUB, CALL THE GUY

deuce: I call it the twitterverse deuce: also I gargle cocks as if they were mouthwash

spigot: THE TWO HAPPIEST DAYS IN A MAN'S LIFE ARE THE DAY HE BUYS HIS BOAT AND THE DAY HE LICKS A DICK pants: AND I'M ALL OUT OF BOATS

spigot: the two rules of design: spigot: if it's gay GET RID OF IT spigot: if it's gay LEAVE IT IN

hanford: WHO CUT UP THIS PROSTITUTE pants: UH pants: EXCUSE ME pants: SHE'S NOT "CUT UP" I JUST CHOPPED OFF HER HEAD OFF

deuce: FOLKS I'M JUST SAYING WE'VE ONLY GOT ONE WEEK TO REORGANIZE JERKCITY'S GOVERNMENTAL STRUCTURE NOW THAT THE TYRANT HAS FLED deuce: I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU: THE NEW LEADER WILL BE AT LEAST AS BAD AS THE LAST, BUT WE'LL BE HAPPY WITH CHANGE FOR ITS OWN SAKE FOR A WHILE

deuce: CONSIDER BUTT pants: AS A REPLACEMENT FOR 3?!?!?! pants: ONE TWO BUTT FOUR ????!!?!/11 deuce: THE NUMERAL 3 HAS CONTROLLED US FOR LONG ENOUGH deuce: TODAY ITS REIGN OF TYRANNY ENDS

deuce: FWD: THE ULTIMATE CURE FOR URINATION FREQUENCY AT NIGHT pants: WHAT'S WRONG WITH OLD WHITE DICKS deuce: LIMP deuce: WRINKLY pants: ALSO: POKING

deuce: GARK THE PLANET

pants: HI deuce: CAN I ALSO LICK IT PLZ pants: I THINK WE CAN ARRANGE THAT spigot: FOLKS THIS IS THE UPPERCASE CLUB spigot: YOU WILL NEED UPPERCASE JACKETS AND TIES deuce: ACHTUNG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

spigot: HURRFGGHLGHLGUHGGLE HEY SOMEONE CLEANED UP THE URINE BACK HERE GURRRHUNGGUH

pants: PERHAPS A MAJOR-MOTION PICTURE ABOUT POOP, POO deuce: DEFINITELY MOTION pants: COMP ME WITH SANDWICHES AND CHIPS AND PRICKS WILLYA deuce: COCK A DOODLE DONG pants: ARE WE DOWN ON THE FARM AGAIN ?!? OH BOY deuce: THE VERY BAD FARM pants: I WILL MILK YOU, COLLECT YOUR EGGS AND BE YOUR BABY DUCKLING deuce: MADRE DE DIOS spigot: YES SIR NO SIR SUCKING DICK SIR spigot: ALL MY COCKS IN A BIG FAT ROW SIR

spigot: REWINDING THE SCENE IN DATA'S DREAM WHERE WORF'S EATING NUCLEAR PEPTIDE CAKE OFF A PAPER PLATE deuce: IS THAT THE SAME EPISODE WHERE DEANA TROI IS USELESS

pants: HORMPTH CHOMP CHEW HEY WAIT JUST A GOLD-BRICKIN' MINUTE spigot: WHAT pants: I ORDERED COCKSUCKER'S DELIGHT spigot: WHO pants: THIS IS CLEARLY THE DICKLICKER'S PLATE spigot: I AM SORRY!!!!!! I WILL BE RIGHT BACK!!!!!!! spigot: CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CRASH CLATTER BONK spigot: CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP YOUR BILL!!!!! AND THANK YOU!!!!! spigot: OH RIGHT THE COCKSUCKER THINGAMABLOBBER spigot: CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CRASH CLATTER BONK pants: WHY DO I EAT HERE spigot: SIR THIS IS THE GOVERNOR'S PRIVATE CORNER TOILET

pants: DO YOU GUYS NEED ANYTHING FROM WALMART spigot: I GET MY CRAMPS IN THE ANTE MERIDIEM :MAN_IN_TUXEDO::SKIN-TONE-2::COCKTAIL: pants: WACKING OFF OR WHACKING OFF pants: HOT BUTTERED FAG NOG EXPRESS effigy: GET HARD DAD!

pants: AND I'M ALL YEAH BUT CAN YOU BEAT OFF TO THIS AND THEN THE COPS CAME pants: YOUR TODDLER UPSIDE DOWN IN A BUCKET pants: I SURE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ALL THE PROBLEMS

pants: SHALL WE HAVE A CIVIL WAR deuce: OVER WHAT pants: MY OWN DICK deuce: COMING: 2023 deuce: WHOSE SIDE WILL YOU BE ON pants: I TOLD YOU, I'M FIGHTING AGAINST MY OWN DICK deuce: SIGNING AN ARMISTICE IN THE WAR OF THE DICK deuce: WHICH INTERNATIONAL HISTORIANS REFER TO AS THE AMERICAN WAR OF THE DICK deuce: TO DISTINGUISH IT FROM ALL THE OTHER DICK WARS deuce: BUT A PEACE TREATY WAS NEVER SIGNED SO TECHNICALLY THE WAR STILL RAGES ON

spigot: FOLKS THE WAR ON RAPE HASN'T WORKED AND WE NEED TO LEGALIZE RAPE pants: THE CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE (WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THEM)

ozone: SEE FIGURE 1 deuce: MOM SAID NOT TO TRUST YOU WHEN YOU GET GROPY deuce: OR IS IT GROPEY deuce: AT ANY RATE YOU'RE SERIOUSLY DOING IT NOW

pants: CAN'T WE GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WEREWHEN GAYS WERE GROSSAND TOM CRUISE PLAYING VOLLEYBALL IN TOP GUNWAS TOTALLY HETEROAND SEATBELTS WERE FOR PUSSIESAND MICHAEL KEATON WAS BATMAN AND AOL CDROMSAND JAPANAMANGAMANIAGOD BLESS AMERICA GOOD NIGHT

pants: FLOSSING IS GROOVY

pants: T DEUCE IT'S NOT MY FAULT MAN pants: T DEUCE I CAN'T CONTROL THE WEATHER (DESPERATELY TRYING TO PULL A SHEET OVER THE WEATHER CONTROL MACHINE, TUGGING ON ONE CORNER ONLY UNCOVERS THE OTHER) deuce: T PANTS I DON'T BELIEVE YOU deuce: I SEE (CLUELESSLY MISSES THE FAILED ATTEMPT TO HIDE THE WEATHER CONTROL MACHINE)

pants: EXCUSE ME MISS BUT I HAVE A PAYLOAD FOR YOU deuce: ALSO YOUR HEAD LOOKS AWFULLY COLD

pants: I'M INTO A LOT OF WEIRD STUFF

spigot: THE TRICK TO BEATING OFF TO SYLVIA SAINT IS TO KEEP THE SOUND DOWN!!!!!! spigot: RE: THE UNINTELLIGIBLE EUROPEAN ACCENT AND OF COURSE THE WEIGEL FACTOR deuce: YOU MEAN THE YELLING AND SCREAMING THAT IS MORE DISTRACTING AND DISTURBING THAN EROTIC ????????? deuce: ALSO THOSE STUPID CONE TITS THAT SHOULD HAVE FUCKING STAYED IN PLAYBOY spigot: I DON'T KNOW WHAT EROTIC MEANS BUT I CAN'T BEAT OFF IF I HAVE TO KEEP ADJUSTING THE VOLUME

spigot: THAT WAS THE WEIRDEST THING spigot: I'M JUST SITTING HERE HAVING MY COFFEE, WHEN THREE HUNDRED MILES AWAY AT A WINCHELL'S DONUTS IN YUBA CITY TWO QUEERS ARE BEATING EACH OTHER OFF WITH OVEN MITTS spigot: NOW THAT'S A HALLOWEEN SURPRISE

spigot: DOOT DEE DOO!!!!! PACKING MY SUITCASE spigot: I LOVE ENGLAND T-SHIRT????? CHECK!!!!! spigot: FAKE FUCKED-UP BUCKTEETH??? CHECK spigot: KNICKERS, TROUSERS, JELLY BABIES, CHECK CHECK CHECK spigot: DOING A FUNNY WALK TO THE AIRPORT!!!!!!! WAVING THE UNION JACK!!!!!! spigot: VRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOM!!!! UP IN THE PLANE spigot: BLAH BLAH TALKING TO EVERYONE AND SPILLING THINGS AND MAKING FARTS spigot: SCREEEEEEEEEECH!!!! I'M HERE!!!!!!! spigot: FINALLY!!!!!! THE WESTMINSTER DONG SHOW!!!!!!!! spigot: AW CRIKEY

deuce: THE GAG FACTOR pants: NOT A FACTOR

spigot: TIRES ARE THE WHEELS OF CARS spigot: HOOKERS ARE "PROSTITUTES" OR CALL GIRLS (ESCORTS) pants: ARE YOU MY FAVE 90210 HOTTIE spigot: FOUR HUGE BUTTERY BAGELS

pants: YES AS A MATTER OF FACT I DID BRING ENOUGH DICK FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

pants: THIS IS CNN spigot: I'M NOT "PHRED" YOUR HONOR I AM THE GREAT CRUMAL pants: THE JUDGE IS INSTRUCTING YOU TO ANSWER THE QUESTION spigot: PERHAPS EVEN THE GREATEST CRUMAL OF THEM ALL pants: I HAD A BONG A MINUTE AGO spigot: T-TRANNYVISION?????

spigot: if a movie or tv show has more than 3 seconds of a baby crying, the whole folder goes in the trash

deuce: MILKING IT pants: CRAMMING, JAMMING pants: WORKING FOR THE WHOLE NICKEL

deuce: THE LATEST RELEASE OF THE TWITTER FILES: DEUCE'S SHITS spigot: THEY CUT THE WHOLE SCENE WHERE DATA HELPS STEPHEN HAWKING EMPTY HIS DIARRHEA BUCKET

spigot: THE WHOLE WORLD CAN BE YOUR STAGE WHEN YOU'RE FAT LIKE ME

pants: HUALGHLAHG pants: MATCHING A DICK FOR A PRICK AND BACK AGAIN pants: IT IS THE WILL OF GOD pants: THE WAY OF THE WORLD pants: PANIC IN THE STALLS pants: OH HULAHGLAHLUGAUHLGHLA THE HUMANITY HULAHGALHGLAG pants: SAVE, SAVE AS pants: I AM LIVID THAT YOU CHOSE TO HOLD BACK PRICKS pants: I QUESTION YOUR JUDGEMENT IN THIS MATTER pants: CANNED PANCAKES, COCKS FOR LET, CRAMPY POO, WELCOME TO SAIGON pants: GALAGA LHAGLHALUGHALHULGAG FROGGER

spigot: I WISH GEORGE R.R. MARTIN WOULD HURRY UP AND FINISH HIS SUICIDE NOTE

pants: SOLOMON SAYS WE SHOULD CUT ALL THE CATS IN HALF AND THEN REATTACH THEM TO MAKE ONE BIG COMPLICATED CAT

spigot: WE HAVE TO HELP THE ****WIZARD**** RAPE THE ****PRINCESS****

spigot: THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF SPIGOT spigot: I WAS PROMISED HAMBURGERS IN STALL 3 spigot: DISAPPOINTED

atandt: WHY WERE YOU HANGING AROUND THE WOOD CHIPPER ANYWAY

deuce: I HATE IT WHEN HE DOES THIS

deuce: :BRAIN: WHAT IS THE WORST POSSIBLE THING I COULD DO RIGHT NOW pants: KICKING GRANDMA IN THE HEAD pants: PULLING DOWN MY TROUSERS AND FIDDLING ABOUT pants: TAKING A SHIT IN THE BATHTUB AND PRETENDING THE SHIT IS A BOAT pants: SPRAYING URINE ON THE BANK TELLER pants: SUCKING OFF THE MAILMAN EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE NO LETTERS FOR ME TODAY pants: DRINKING TEQUILA AND UPDATING MY LINKEDIN PROFILE pants: OFFSETTING MY CARBON FOOTPRINT BY FIRING A GUN INTO THE CEILING deuce: BLOGGING ABOUT MIDDLE MANAGEMENT LIKE IT'S A THING TO BE PROUD OF

pants: WHEN IS A DONG LIKE A WRITING DESK pants: OOF OW NUTPUNCHED

spigot: LICK MY DICK OR BE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF HISTORY

deuce: OR MAYBE I GOT THAT THE WRONG WAY AROUND spigot: YOU NEED TO BE MORE WELL ROUNDED, WITH EQUAL PORTIONS DICK AND PRICK spigot: SOMETIMES WHEN I WATCH TV I THINK ABOUT KISSING YOU deuce: ROBOTS.TXT IS A FILE THAT WEBCRAWLERS SEARCH FOR spigot: COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME ONE MORE TIME deuce: ROBOTS.TXT

spigot: DID MULDER SERIOUSLY NEVER LOOK INTO THE Y FILES

deuce: WHAT KIND OF AN ASSHOLE VILLAIN STEALS HAMBURGERS pants: I, UH pants: THE YAM STAND!!! pants: GIVE ME GUFF spigot: GONNA GO AHEAD AND STICK MY KNOB IN THE TOILET ROLL

deuce: HOW CAN I BE SO GAY AND YET SO FRUITY atandt: REALLY THE ANSWER IS IN THE QUESTION

spigot: ARE YOU PUMPING YOUR PATHETIC PENIS FOR THESE GOLDEN BROWN CRINKLE CUT ORE-IDA FRENCH FRIES spigot: OKAY I SENSE AD PLACEMENT spigot: AM I READY TO SHOOT MY LOAD INTO WHAT KIND OF REVERSE MORTGAGE NOW spigot: PLEASE STAY ON TOPIC deuce: BUY GOLD

: Dear Gentle Reader, : We are sorry but due to technical difficulties, today's episode of Jerkcity is only available in MP3 format. Please use the following Uniform Resource Locator to download: : http://www.jerkcity.com/JERKCITY_PODCAST_THEME_TO_SPIGOT_THE_BEAR.MP3 : We apologize for the inconvenience. Jerkcity will be back in service tomorrow morning at midnight, California time natch. : Thank you for your consideration.

spigot: GARBAGE DISPOSAL = 3 INCHES WIDE spigot: FROG = 8 INCHES WIDE spigot: WE HAVE A PROBLEM

spigot: THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE SHIT ALL OVER YOURSELF

spigot: LORD GOD IT'S HAMBURGERS spigot: SOMETIMES I LIKE TO ROLL UP MY WRIST PAD SO IT LOOKS LIKE A DICK AND BALLS spigot: THEN I GO ONLINE AND PRETEND TO HAVE A BONER

deuce: YOU'RE THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE spigot: I CAN BE QUEER UNTIL SEINFELD THEN I REALLY HAVE TO GET A BUS HOME

atandt: WELCOME TO BONEQUEST atandt: I AM FIRST CLASS PRIVATE ATANDT AND THIS IS SCOUTMASTER PANTS pants: AND I'M ALL WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND HE'S ALL I'M DANIEL SO I SAYS WHERE'S THE REGULAR GUY AND HE'S GOT NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT THEN I WOKE UP

deuce: FOUR STARS deuce: THEN THE COPS CAME

pants: YES THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING: WHAT IF I CAN'T BE BEAT OFF pants: WHAT IF IT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE pants: WAR MAKES MEN BEATOFFABLE deuce: THEN THERE WILL BE WAR

spigot: THEN THEY SAT ME DOWN AND TOGETHER WE ALL WATCHED THE VIDEOTAPE OF ME STEALING THE CANDY

deuce: folks I don't know about you but *I* sure don't lick dick pants: well somebody did deuce: sure wasn't me

pants: GODAWFUL PISS DRINKING CONTESTS THAT GO ON FOR DAYS AND DAYS deuce: THEY'RE NOT PISS DRINKING CONTESTS AS MUCH AS JUST ATTEMPTS TO DRINK AS MUCH PISS AS POSSIBLE deuce: THERE ARE NO PRIZES INVOLVED THIS IS JUST A WAY OF LIFE FOR THE PARTICIPANTS pants: SPUTTER pants: CURSE YOU

atandt: HERE COMES THE COCKBOT pants: ANOTHER DAY IN THE BIG CITY, RUINED

deuce: HOUSTON WE HAVE CLEARED THE TOWER pants: UNLESS YOU'RE FROM THE GOVERNMENT IN WHICH CASE THERE IS NO DICK OR DOPE HERE JUST CABBAGES IN THE DIRT AND PLEASE GIVE US FARM AID

pants: PRICKS OF MASS DISTRACTION THAT'S FOR SURE pants: I SAID **DISTRACTION** pants: BOMB GOES OFF ALL LIFE EXTERMINATED DOMINANT POPULATION IS NOW RABBITS THERE IS NO GOD WE ARE ALL MULCH FOREVER

spigot: WOULD YOU DESCRIBE JERKCITY AS: spigot: (A) PHAT spigot: (B) DOPE spigot: (C) FLY spigot: (D) TWITPIC spigot: (E) STRAIGHT UP spigot: (F) IDIOTIC

pants: THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD AND HE IS PUTTING HIS FINGERS IN MY RECTUM RIGHT NOW deuce: HE IS A MERCIFUL GOD deuce: BUT REALLY LIKES FINGER CRAMMING FOR SOME REASON pants: HE IS LOVE deuce: GOD IS LOVE (AND ANAL PROBING) pants: ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE RABBIT GOD FROM WATERSHIP DOWN deuce: UH

pants: SHITTING MYSELF deuce: IT WAS MY BALLS pants: THERE, DONE pants: WISH I HAD A NAPKIN deuce: DEFINITELY MY BALLS

deuce: POKE POKE POKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE pants: MY ALONE TIME deuce: WHAM WHAM WHAM WHERE'S MY STATUS REPORT pants: NOTHING !!! I'M WRAPPING YOUR PRESENT !!! DON'T COME IN deuce: HURGLE BURGLE pants: THERE'S A BEE IN HERE !!!

spigot: VVVVVVVVGRGRGRGRGRRGRGRG spigot: SORRY WHAT spigot: GCKG GCK GCK KGCKCGKC OH THERE'S A FORK IN THERE

spigot: i'm a bearded 20-something reminding folks there's more to comics than superheroes spigot: "toon" in each day to fuck my face

pants: SQUIRTING A LINE OF MUSTARD ALONG MY DICK effigy: LIKE A CORNDOG, OR LIKE A HOTDOG? pants: I WILL CHECK

atandt: I LIKE IKE atandt: HE LIKES IKE atandt: WE LIKE IKE atandt: THEY LIKE IKE atandt: WE ALL LIKE IKE

deuce: HUCKLEBUCK pants: HUCKLEBUCK pants: GOO

spigot: waiter there's a condom in my diarrhea spigot: these are the jokes you fucking queers spigot: can i get a bigger mic

atandt: YOU THERE. NO PUKING ON YOUR SHOES

spigot: YOU GOT YOUR BOXES HERE, YOUR GADGETS THERE spigot: AN APPLE MONITOR BOX FOR A NIGHT STAND spigot: IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT I CAN GET UP IN PITCH DARKNESS AND KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THE ALLEN WRENCHES ARE pants: THESE ARE THE TIMES THAT TRY MEN'S SOULS

spigot: TWO SEPERATE AND EQUALLY IMPORTANT BALLS pants: AND JUSTICE FOR ALL

spigot: I'M A SKILLED IMMIGRANT WITH A TIE AND A RESUME AND A DREAM deuce: GREAT THESE ARE TOMATOES AND THERE'S THE TRUCK spigot: WHERE IS MY FUCKING NOBEL PRIZE deuce: IN THE APPLE TREE spigot: EXCITEMENT IN THE MOUTH

deuce: LOOK GUYS THESE BEAUTIFUL LADYBOYS ARE NOT GOING TO BEAT THEMSELVES OFF deuce: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE deuce: OH deuce: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH deuce: I AM SO SORRY

atandt: T DEUCE I OFFER THESE CHEESE FRIES TO YOU AS A PEACE OFFERING atandt: T DEUCE PLEASE ACCEPT THEM IN GOOD FAITH deuce: T ATANDT REJECTED OUT-OF-HAND atandt: T PANTS I OFFER THESE CHEESE FRIES TO YOU AS A PEACE OFFERING pants: T ATANDT YAY YUM CHOMP SLOBBER DUH

spigot: THESE DICKS AND PRICKS ARE TURNING ME INTO SOMEONE I JUST DON'T LIKE VERY MUCH pants: I CAN LIVE WITH THAT

spigot: THESE FINE WINES GO TO TABLE FIVE - DON'T YOU SPILL A PRECIOUS DROP pants: JEAN-CHARLES, NO, WE WILL BE HUNG AT SUNRISE IF YOU spigot: NOT ON THE ROLLER SKATES JEAN-CHARLES YOU ARE A DISGRACE pants: DER FUHRER'S WIFE ??? THE FIRING SQUAD ??? JEAN-CHARLES spigot: THE CHANDALIER WILL SURELY FALL UNLESS YOU LET GO spigot: NO JEAN-CHARLES YOU KLUTZ, THAT IS THE POISONED CROUTON pants: YOU BUMBLING IMBECILE, YOU HAVE TRACKED MUD ALL OVER THE PALACE pants: YOU MUST CLEAN UP BEFORE THE KING WAKES FROM HIS ROYAL NAP

deuce: LEARNING TO LOVE AGAIN pants: WHO IS TEACHING YOU THESE HORRIBLE THINGS deuce: HE WANTS ME TO CALL HIM "DADDY"

deuce: MY PENIS IMPLANT IS COMPOSED OF ADAMANTIUM

spigot: DO OTHER COUNTRIES THINK IT'S FUNNY TO PLACE [UNITED STATES] IN ITS ALPHABETICAL POSITION IN A COUNTRY POP-UP INSTEAD OF AT INDEX NUMBER 1 WHERE IT BELONGS NO MATTER WHAT deuce: PARENTS JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND