pants: G IS FOR GIZZ deuce: SOMEONE JERK ME pants: DO YOU MEAN GERK YOU deuce: GHLAGHLAHGLUAG

deuce: someone over there is gay spigot: certainly not me

deuce: OH GOD THEY'RE TURNING THE WHOLE CITY INTO A SUPERDOME spigot: SOMEONE SEND IN ROBOCOP 3

deuce: SOMEONE'S FAT TODAY

deuce: SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING FUNNY deuce: LIKE "BONERS" spigot: I REALLY LIKE TO PLAY WITH MY OWN POO IN THE TUB deuce: THAT'S GROSS NOT FUNNY

pants: SOMETHING ABOUT A CALL GIRL AND ONE COP AND THEN A LOT OF COPS AND HOW I'M HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET spigot: MAKE SURE WHEN MOM OPENS THE CLOSET DOOR YOU REMAIN STILL LIKE E.T.

spigot: THE PIG SAYS MOO spigot: NO WAIT spigot: THE PIG SAYS SOMETHING ELSE

deuce: HI pants: I LIKE TO TAKE ACID AND FUCK deuce: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING pants: I LIKE TO TAKE ACID AND FUCK deuce: SOMETHING FRILLY I HOPE pants: I LIKE TO TAKE ACID AND FUCK

pants: GOT STUCK IN A HOLE pants: SOMETHING HAPPENED, I FELL DOWN OR SOMETHING pants: DIZZY

spigot: .EX spigot: .345TEX spigot: E-BAY pants: GO EBAY deuce: I CAN'T SAVE THIS TEXT FILE I JUST WROTE spigot: GO E-BAY spigot: URLS

pants: I SENSE A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE deuce: SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT pants: IS THIS REAL OR SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL DREAM deuce: I SHOULDN'T BE THIS DIZZY pants: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME deuce: IS THIS THE END OF PANTS AND DEUCE

pants: FLY LIKE A BUTTERFLY pants: SUCK A DICK NOW pants: SOMETHING LIKE THAT deuce: I DON'T FOLLOW

deuce: could you assist me in my beatoff explorations pants: are you seeking a quiet shady place or perhaps sir would like something noisy and brash

deuce: THERE SEEMS TO BE SOMETHING OBSTRUCTING MY BREATHING PASSAGE deuce: HHHHHHH HHHHHHHH deuce: SSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSS deuce: PASSING OUT deuce: DIZZY deuce: CANT deuce: BREATHE pants: JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

spigot: T PANTS CAN WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING SERIOUS pants: T SPIGOT IS THIS ABOUT THE GODDAMN COOKIE DRAWER spigot: NO

spigot: DID WE BOTH AGREE TO SOMETHING STUPID AGAIN pants: OH MY YES

spigot: A GAY MAN IN MY UNDERPANTS!?!?!?!? ME?!?!?!?!!!

ozone: CUT DOWN A RACK OF BANANAS YESTERDAY. SOMETIME IN THE NIGHT, A RAT ATE PART OF ONE

net: SOMETIMES WHEN I POO IT FEELS LIKE THE ASSRAPING OF MY LIFE AND THEN OTHER TIMES I DON'T ENJOY IT AT ALL

spigot: /TIRED_OLD_CONCEPT.JPG spigot: /YAWNING.GIF

uncredited woman: PUT THOSE PANTIES BACK ON THE LINE AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY YARD pants: I'LL CUT YOU

pants: SMALL DICKS ARE SMALL deuce: GO ON pants: I AM NO MORE USEFUL OR USELESS THAN THE AVERAGE NEXTDOOR READER deuce: WELL YOURSTATEMENTS AREAT LEASTACCURATE pants: I STRIVE FOR ACCURACY WHEN IT COMES TO SIZES OF THINGS pants: FOR EXAMPLE: MY COCK IS SOMEWHAT LARGE AND SO IS THE MOON BUT NOT THE STARS (THEY ARE JUST DOTS) deuce: SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT MOUNTAINS ARE SMALL pants: SOME ARE BUT THEY GROW AS YOU GET CLOSER deuce: OKAY WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A FOLLOWUP CONVERSATION ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'RE MISSING BUT IT WILL TAKE A LONG TIME TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU SO WE'LL SAVE IT FOR ANOTHER TIME pants: THAT SOUNDS LOVELY

spigot: IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR POCKETS THAT MIGHT PRICK ME OR POKE ME spigot: MAYBE I COULD FINISH MY GOON SESH IF YOU RETURNED MY POPPERS spigot: WRONG WIN spigot: (SOMEWHAT) SAD NEWS: WELLS FARGO UPDATED THEIR TERMS AND CONDITIONS AND I NO LONGER QUALIFY FOR ANAL SEX WORKSHOPS ON LINKEDIN LEARNING

spigot: SOMEWHAT SERIOUS SUGGESTION THAT WE GET INTO THE CRYPTO-ART RACKET pants: HLAHGULAHLGHAG pants: SORRY pants: YOU WERE SAYING

pants: maybe I just really like clamping things pants: dicks, tits, balls, doesn't matter to me, it's all going to get clamped somewhere along the line deuce: einer clampen

pants: I'M DOCTOR PRICK pants: RX pants: CALL ME DOC DONG

pants: JERKCITY: A SPACE ROCK OPERA

pants: PEEP PEEP PEEP PEEP I'M A SONGBIRD deuce: HELLO, SONGBIRD deuce: WANNA FUCK

pants: DICKS deuce: NO WORRIES deuce: ALL OF THIS WILL BE READ OUT LOUD IN COURT SOON ENOUGH

pants: CRONCH CRONCH CRONCH I ONLY EAT TOP SHELF INSECTS deuce: THAT SHOWS YOU'RE SOPHISTICATED

spigot: REPEAT: NOT JOKING ABOUT HOW MY LIFE IS IN THE TOILET spigot: HURRRRRRR HUH WAKING UP AT 3AM WONDERING spigot: BLUHHHHHHHHHHHHH BEATING OFF AND GOING BACK TO BED spigot: WAKING UP AND BEATING OFF BECAUSE I FORGOT I ALREADY DID THAT spigot: URF OOF SORE PRICK MUST KEEP BEATING AND PULLING

pants: LOVE ME, LOVE MY BONER pants: DON'T WORRY HE WON'T BITE pants: SORRY HE'S NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE

pants: JUST CRAPPED OUT A PERFECT ROUND RIPE TOMATO pants: JUST POPPED IT RIGHT OUT ONTO THE FLOOR FOR ALL THE WORLD TO NOPE NEVERMIND THAT'S CRAP pants: SORRY FOR THE SPAM

spigot: SHOULD WE APOLOGIZE FOR ALL OUR ANTI-ASIAN BQ STRIPS AND RETIRE JEAN-CHARLES

spigot: WHERE ARE MY BALLS spigot: I HAD TWO BALLS IN MY TROUSERS AND NOW THEY spigot: SEEM TO HAVE "MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED". WOULD spigot: WHOEVER TOOK THEM *PLEASE* RETURN THEM AS THEY spigot: ARE NEEDED FOR TESTING. CC:ALL

spigot: I HAVE DISCOVERED IF I LISTEN TO THE SAME BANANARAMA SONG TWO HUNDRED TIMES IN A ROW, I GET SICK OF IT spigot: THEN I PUT THE CD AWAY FOR TWO WEEKS AND COME BACK TO IT AND IT'S BRAND NEW AGAIN spigot: SORRY FOR THE WIDE DISTRIBUTION

pants: lick dick in outer space pants: actually you wouldn't enjoy that very much pants: already sorry i mentioned it

deuce: did you fuck them pants: i thought about it pants: is piss supposed to be the consistency of ketchup pants: sorry no this is a ketchup bottle pants: how did you get down there little fella pants: welp better get to tugging

deuce: THE DRUNK GUY WITH THE FAKE BEARD WHOSE LAP YOU SIT ON DOESN'T ACTUALLY BRING YOU SHIT ON CHRISTMAS deuce: I'M SORRY TO BE THE ONE TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS pants: I KNEW THE WHOLE TIME, I JUST WANTED SOME LAP

spigot: UNSUBSCRIBE pants: WE'RE SORRY TO SEE YOU GO

spigot: SORRY WHAT spigot: DO I "STAN"YOUR PENIS spigot: I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT spigot: SAY AGAIN spigot: OH I'M *** STANDING ***ON YOUR PENIS spigot: SORRY TO HEAR IT spigot: I HAVE TO STANDSOMEWHERE

spigot: ARE YOU BEATING OFF ON MY FACE AFTER WORK spigot: SORRY WRONG WINDOW spigot: ARE YOU BEATING OFF ON MY FACE AFTER WORK

pants: ARE YOU A BONER GOD deuce: SORT OF A DEMIGOD deuce: MORE DIVINE THAN A PERSON BUT NOT A FULL DEITY pants: WHATEVER

pants: I'M SORT OF SPURTING HERE TOO IF YOU CARE pants: IF YOU FUCKING CARE AT ALL ABOUT ME HERE pants: HERE SPURTING pants: OKAY DONE SPURTING THE PLACE UP HERE pants: HI

pants: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN COMPUTER

spigot: LET'S ALL PUT OUR BALLS TOGETHER FOR SPIGOT deuce: HONK BONK HONK BONK spigot: SLAP BONK DUH BOOT deuce: (SOUND OF BALLS)

spigot: let us know about the dongs in your mouth spigot: sound off in the comments

deuce: why do I taste sour apples deuce: why do I smell ozone deuce: hurk 10 Sv absorbed dose deuce: roentgens or milliroentgens??? hurk

pants: T SPIGOT CRICKETS ARE A SOURCE OF PROTEIN spigot: PEEP CHEEP PEEP CHEEP PEEP CHEEP PEEP CHEEP pants: ARE YOU AN EASTER PEEP OR A GAY CRICKET spigot: FACE STUFFING spigot: SOMETIMES I EAT CANDY FROM OFF THE GROUND

spigot: INTRODUCING THE BONEQUEST SOURDOUGH STARTER: PARKING-LOT-SOCK.JPG

spigot: BATTERIES A SOMETIMES FOOD deuce: I DO DECLARE pants: MY WORD deuce: MY STARS!!! (SOUTHERN BELLE ACCENT)

net: YOU ARE IN A ROOM FILLED WITH RERUNS EXITS ARE J)ERK AND D)RINK deuce: I WISH TO GO SOUTHWEST (SW)

pants: CAN I CALL MYSELF A MAN NOW pants: FLEXING NAKED IN FRONT OF MIRROR, TOTALLY LIMP, OATMEAL BUCKET ON HEAD deuce: NO, FIRST WE NEED TO SNIP YOUR DICK pants: OH, THERE YOU ARE pants: SOY CAPPUCCINO PLEASE deuce: NEVER deuce: DEATH FIRST pants: MAKE THAT A DOUBLE deuce: COMING RIGHT UP deuce: (SQUIRTY POO SOUNDS OFF CAMERA) deuce: HERE YOU GO PRASHANT pants: MMM IT'S POO-Y

deuce: OKAY I'M JUST GOING TO COME OUT AND SAY IT: deuce: SOY SAUCE ON A LOADED BAKED POTATO pants: HMM

deuce: HEY LET'S GO BACK IN TIME AND SHOOT SOME KRAUTS pants: BUH deuce: THERE YOU ARE deuce: SMOKING YOU LIKE A CIGARETTE, MAYBE A CIGARILLO, BUT DEFINITELY NOT A CIGAR

pants: I SEE YOU SUCKING spigot: WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE, I'LL SPY THROUGH THIS TINY HOLE spigot: SUCK DICK pants: SPACE CAKES FIRST spigot: YES SUCK DICK pants: ALSO I WANT A PISS AND AN UNDERAGE BLOWJOB (WHATEVER THAT IS)

atandt: YOU'RE LOOKING PRETTY HOT IN THAT JUMPSUIT atandt: <SFX: RAPE> deuce: GHLGLHGULHGULHGULHGULHG atandt: I'D LIKE TO REQUEST THAT WE NO LONGER BOLDLY GO TO THE CABIN atandt: WHERE I AM RAPED FOR SCIENTIFIC PURPOSES deuce: THIS IS NOT HOW MANKIND WILL CONQUER SPACE deuce: GLHGLHAGLHLHABHLBHAB OW OW OW OW deuce: YOU SHOULD SHIT/PISS YOURSELF IF YOU ARE IN DANGER OF BEING RAPED atandt: ARE YOU AWARE OF HOW HARD IT IS TO SAY NO TO SPACE COWBOYS atandt: I CAN SAVE MYSELF BY SOILING MYSELF AND HERE I GO deuce: SIR WITH THE RAPE UTENSIL

pants: WHEN IS THE NEXT MOON LANDING deuce: WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW pants: MOON DICKS

spigot: I WONDER IF YOU HAVE EVER SUCKED A DICK IN SPACE spigot: (OR AS I LIKE TO CALL THEM, SPACE DICKS)

pants: SPACE FACE spigot: A MOUTH NOT UNLIKE THE TARDIS pants: MORE LIKE SICK & TIRED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: MORE LIKE I'LL BE IN TECH SUPPORT MY WHOLE LIFE !!!!!!! CLICK HERE FOR USER FRIENDLY BANNERS pants: WELP !!!!!!!!!!!! I'M A LOSER

spigot: space farts

deuce: thpace forthe pants: IN THPACE NOBODY CAN HEAR YOU THCREAM

pants: FUCK YEAH GET BACK ON THAT HORSE pants: THEN GET OFF THE HORSE AND REST pants: YOU'VE HAD A LONG HARD HORSE

spigot: I LIKE TO JERK IN SPACE spigot: SPACE JERKIN' spigot: HURF OOF LURRRRR spigot: YOU KNOW THE WORDS FUCKING SING

pants: SPACE NUTS RENEWED FOR SEASON 2

spigot: THE PORNOGRAPHY I ORDERED WITH MY CREDIT CARD OVER THE INTERNET ARRIVED TODAY spigot: IT REALLY DOES WORK, NOT EVERYTHING'S A SCAM captain: TAKE YOUR FRIEND WITH YOU

atandt: I'M A SPACE STATION deuce: I'M FUCKING YOU IN THE ASS

pants: :WAVE: JERK OFF :SWEAT_DROPS::SWEAT_DROPS::SWEAT_DROPS: WITH RANDOM TEENS - BEST WEBCAMCHAT EVER :HEART_EYES:! spigot: SULLEN LAZY TEENS spigot: WITH MOM YELLING AT THEM TO TAKE THEIR TOPS OFF

deuce: all I wanted was some corned beef and hard boiled eggs and it turned into The Road deuce: thinkin' about pizza spigot: farm fresh aids deuce: even though I already ate earlier??? spigot: spare me your euphemisms, it's gay conversion camp for daddy's chubby little faggot

deuce: I'M A SPARKLINE: FUCK MY BROWN ASS

spigot: HOO BOO DUH HUH SPAZZING OUT LIKE A FIFTH GRADE RETARD spigot: LOOK AT MY GLASSES AND HEAD GEAR BUH DUH FATNESS spigot: AFRAID OF SPORTS spigot: SPANISH AND CHESS CLUB OVER HERE spigot: I'M TELLING

deuce: T PANTS UNER DICKLICKEN pants: T DEUCE ENGLISH deuce: T PANTS SRAUMEN UNEN BALLEN UNDER SCHIESSEN pants: T DEUCE SPEAK ENGLISH OR DIE deuce: T PANTS CAN I BORROW TEN DOLLARS

pants: for instance pants: you might say pants: i walked past the drug store

: The 2007 holiday schedule is available here: http://www.jerkcity.com/holidays.txt : Please submit additions or corrections to jerkcity@gmail.com. We return you now to your regularly-schedule Jerkcity already in progress. : gentle reader: please make a silly face and distract pants while we make an important announcement. just for one panel. thanks! pants: BUCK UP LADS pants: LET'S YANK A DONG spigot: I MIGHT JUST HAVE TO GO HOME AND GET HIGH AND NOT GIVE A SHIT

spigot: SPECIAL MESSAGE TO THE GROUP OF PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT ANCHORMAN IN THE BREAK ROOM: DIE AND BE DEAD

spigot: AS A SPECIAL TREAT YOU ALL GET TO BE FIRST IN LINE TO PREVIEW AN ALL-NEW FORM OF JERKCITY COMEDY I'VE BEEN DEVELOPING SECRETLY ON A VARIETY OF MACHINES FOR NEARLY TEN SECONDS spigot: KEEP IN MIND THIS IS PURELY EXPERIEMNTAL pants: SHOW ME THE FUNNY spigot: HERE WE GO pants: MACSBUG

spigot: CHOKING ME spigot: SHOVING HOT DOGS INTO MY MOUTH spigot: LEAVING ME FOR DEAD BEHIND THE 7-11

:this: IS AN UPSTANDING CITIZEN :this: HAS THE HEART OF A POET :and: SPECIMEN IS A VORACIOUS COCKSUCKER

pants: SPEEDRUNNING BETWEEN ALL THE COCKS

deuce: WHY IS THERE A PROGRAM ON SPICE CALLED "ETHNICITY" ???? I WONDER WHAT IT'S ABOUT pants: MEXICANS I WOULD GUESS spigot: ETHNIC ALBANIANS???? MORE LIKE ETHNIC COMPLANIANS

pants: like a goat i eat garbage (spicy boneless wings from round table) deuce: hot garbage pants: why do i feel ill pants: oh right all the garbage pants: BIGGER DICKS STILL

pants: WHAT THE FUCK ARE WHEATCAKES pants: FACE IT TIGER YOU JUST HIT THE JACKPOT pants: OWWWW MY SPIDEY-SENSE OWWWWWWWW

spigot: I'M A FAT FUCKING DOLLY MADISON PIE deuce: T SPIGOT THEN I WILL EAT YOU

spigot: SPIGOT IN THE MORNING!!! spigot: SPIGOT IN THE EVENING!!!! spigot: SPIGOT ON THE INTERNET?!?!?!

spigot: IT'S SUCKER PUNCH A QUEER MONTH AT YOUR NORTHERN CALIFORNIA MAZDA DEALER spigot: I SWEAR TO GOD I'M LOIS LANE AND THOSE ARE NOT HEROIN NEEDLES spigot: IF CHRISTOPHER REEVE GETS TO BE PARALYZED THEN I GET TO BE CRAZY

spigot: OKAY SHUT UP I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY spigot: WAIT I LEFT IT IN THE CAR : SPIGOT LEAVES spigot: OKAY GOT IT spigot: NUTS

spigot: SPIGOT LEFT spigot: SPIGOT RIGHT spigot: SPIGOT LICKING A / spigot: DICK ALL NIGHT spigot: HE'S A WAITER spigot: MASTURBATOR spigot: SON OF A BITCH / I'M DOWN A CRATER

spigot: I THINK YOUR SITE IS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: I ALSO THINK YOU ARE GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: GREAT SITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: I LIKE THE INTERNET deuce: DICKS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

spigot: DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR / I HEAR / I HEAR spigot: THE PRICKS / THE PRICKS / AND ALSO YES THE DICKS spigot: THEY'RE POKING RIGHT IN MY FACE / THEY ARE POKING RIGHT IN MY FACE deuce: T SPIGOT THAT'S NOT WHAT WHITNEY HOUSTON SANG spigot: I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE NEEDS TO MAKE FUN OF GAYS

spigot: BUG REPORT !!! IT ACTUALLY SAYS PRINTF ("SPIGOT SUCKS COCK") I CAN SEE IT RIGHT THERE IN THE PROGRAM CODE

spigot: I'M SPIGOT spigot: HUH BLUP spigot: BLUH

spigot: I ONCE / SEEN A PICTURE spigot: SEEN A PICTURE / SEEN A PICTURE deuce: I PAID TO SEE WAYNE NEWTON (THROWING SHIT)

: SPIGOT APPEARS IN A POOFY CLOUD OF GAY FATNESS spigot: I SERIOUSLY NEED A Q-TIP spigot: I HAVE TO GO NOW

spigot: CLEAR spigot: ABHABLHALBHALBHLAHBLAHHBLA spigot: JESUS CHRIST OUR PRECIOUS ART AND FURNITURE AND CLOTHES AND TAPESTRIES ALL STUFFED INTO A BOX AND SOLD TO THE NAZIS FOR WINE AND PORNOGRAPHY

: Spigot the Bear will not be seen tonight. Instead, we bring you this episode of Jerkcity featuring "Pants". Enjoy! pants: WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST FOR MUTUAL MASTURBATION pants: OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING

spigot: SMILE!!!!!!!! spigot: *BONK* BEER BOTTLE spigot: *BONK* DIGITAL CAMERA

spigot: THE PERP HAD BONGHITS IN HIS SYSTEM, YOUR HONOR pants: I WAS THINKING WE COULD NAIL OUR PRICKS TO A CROSS deuce: RIGHT pants: BUT NOT THE SAME CROSS (DON'T WANT TO BE GAY) spigot: HEY deuce: JUXTAPOSED PRICKS I THINK IS THE SCIENTIFIC TERM pants: PRICKS AT RIGHT ANGLES deuce: SKEW ORTHOGONAL PRICKS spigot: SHUT UP YOU'RE RUINING SPIGOT THE BEAR

spigot: I CAN'T SPEAK FOR EVERYONE BUT I LIKE TO CARRY MY DICE AROUND IN A POUCH

deuce: TONIGHT ON SPIGOT THE BEAR spigot: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SHUT THE FUCK UP !!! DOWN ON THE GROUND, PUNK pants: SPIGOT THE BEAR WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES spigot: OH THANK GOD A SMOKE BREAK HUALGHUAHALG DICKS HULAGHLUAG spigot: UP AGAINST THE WALL DIRTBAG !!! NOW CUFF YOURSELF TO THIS RADIATOR atandt: AND NOW BACK TO SPIGOT THE BEAR