atandt: FROM: ADMIRAL KRAG <ADMKRAG@MSN.COM> atandt: SUBJECT: HELLO atandt: "THANKS FOR THE DIPPING INTO ADMIRAL KRAG COMIC .. VERY FUNNY HEH NICE TO BE REMEMBERED" deuce: T ATANDT RUMOR HAS IT HE'S A KLINGON atandt: AND HE HAS AN MSN ACCOUNT

deuce: FOLKS I'M SO DISTRAUGHT I HAVEN'T JERKED OFF IN THREE DAYS deuce: WHEN I FINALLY GO IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE SILLY STRING deuce: ALSO FLAMMABLE

spigot: MY WHOLE LIFE IS LIKE THE TRUMAN SHOW ONLY MY RATINGS NEED A SERIOUS BOOST DUE TO THE LACK OF CAMERAS OR PEOPLE GIVING A SHIT

spigot: TYPE 2 DIARRHEA spigot: TWENTIETH CENTURY FAGS spigot: TELLING JOKES IN JERKCITY IS LIKE THROWING A BOTTLE INTO THE OCEAN spigot: IT MAKES A SPLASH AND SOMETIMES YOU HIT A SEAL

pants: YOU OBVIOUSLY LOVE GREAT QUEER VAMPYRE FICTION pants: WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE A SURVEY (ABOUT QUEER VAMPYRE FICTION) pants: THIS QUEER VAMPYRE FICTION WEBSITE USES COOKIES pants: YOU HAVE 5 FREE QUEER VAMPYRE FICTION STORIES LEFT THIS MONTH pants: HI I'M COUNT FAGULA DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT QUEER VAMPYRE FICTION pants: CLICK HERE TO GET QUEER VAMPYRE FICTION DELIVERED TO YOUR INBOX : PANTS HAS BEEN SENDING MESSAGES TO YOU TOO RAPIDLY, AND IS NOW BEING IGNORED. spigot: LOL AT ALL OF THE ABOVE BUT MOSTLY A COUNT FAGULA POPUP SLIDING OUT AND STARING AT ME

deuce: GOD IS TELLING ME TO ORDER A PIZZA deuce: I'M LIKE MOSES WITH THE THING SO I'D BETTER FUCKING ORDER ONE pants: SHIT YEAH MOSES HE (CONFUSED) HE HAD THAT THING AND (PAUSE) HE'S LIKE YOU deuce: RIGHT pants: SO WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE

pants: LIKE WATER... pants: ...I HAVE NO COLOR pants: PUTTING YOUR FAMILY IN A PIT AND MACHINE GUNNING THEM

pants: BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK (spigot): HURRRRRRR I THINK WE GOT DISCONNUHHHHHHHHH pants: THAT SMARTS spigot: KA-DONK BONK pants: DREAMING OF DICK spigot: LIKEWISE (DICKWISE)

pants: COCKS deuce: WHO ASKED YOU spigot: UP YOURS

spigot: WELL MY NAME IS SPIGOTAND I'M HERE TO SAYEVERY SINGLE KIND OF KIT KATIS A-OKAY pants: STRAINING TO IMAGINEWHICH SYLLABLESEACH BEASTIE BOYIS RESPONSIBLE FOR SHOUTING

pants: CAN WE LICK IT, CAN WE PRICK IT deuce: WE CAN DO BOTH pants: HOW ?!?!? deuce: DETAILS FOLLOW deuce: HULBGHULGDBHULBGDBGHULDBGDHULBAGDHLBGDHLUGB deuce: THAT IS A LINCOS-LIKE MESSAGE TRANSMITTED TO ALL THE NEARBY SUNLIKE STARS deuce: THEY WILL REALIZE THAT EARTH IS POPULATED BY FUCKING HOMOS AND STAY CLEAR pants: WHAT IF THEY HAVE CRAZY ALIEN E.T. STYLE DICKS FOR US TO LICK ?!?!? pants: THEY MIGHT SAY HEY APE-LIKE COCKSUCKING BEASTS LET'S LAND THERE deuce: THEY ARE ALMOST CERTAINLY MILLIONS OF YEARS AHEAD OF US IN TECHNOLOGY AND STRAIGHT

pants: DORK FARM pants: LET'S GO pants: LINE UP

spigot: STOP deuce: IN THE NAME OF GLHGHG spigot: MY PTLHJG deuce: BEFORE YOU GHGLGHGH spigot: R E S P E C PTLPGH

spigot: HI EVERYONE spigot: HI DEUCE I AM FINE pants: LINE NOISE spigot: HI PANTS pants: HI spigot: HI deuce: HI HOW ARE YOU} deuce: }I}I}I

pants: YOU'RE BREAKING UP I DIDN'T CATCH ANY OF THAT pants: OH WELL pants: NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT DICKS

deuce: BE A FUCKING MAN: LET ME PUT THIS IN YOU pants: BOTTLES, CANS deuce: PONTIACS, FORDS pants: I AM A RECYCLE BIN deuce: YOU HAVE A HOSPITAL STAY IN YOUR FUTURE pants: FADJFJFJFJFF JFJFFJFJFJFJFJFJFJFJF (LINE NOISE OR COCKSUCKING??? YOU CAN'T TELL CAN YOU)

deuce: EVERYBODY LINE UP AND SMELL THE NUTS spigot: BUT spigot: CAN'T spigot: WITH spigot: I spigot: URF deuce: SMELL THEM

effigy: WELL JUST SIT BACK, PUT ON A COMMODORES RECORD AND DREAM OF HOW YOU SAW LIONEL RITCHIE'S DICK IN THE DRESSING ROOM THAT ONE TIME..... deuce: AHEM IT WAS PANTS' PENIS IN THE BATHROOM effigy: OH, THEN PUT ON EARTH, WIND, AND FIRE

spigot: WHY IS THERE LIPSTICK ON THE SUICIDE GUN

spigot: I CAN ALSO PISS ON MYSELF AND PRETEND IT'S LIQUID SUNSHINE pants: NUGH spigot: HOOOOO YES MAAM LOOK AT ME I'M PISSING MMMMMM spigot: GOOD SPRINGTIME FRESHNESS IN A SPRAY

pants: LISTEN UP AND LISTEN GOOD pants: I CANNOT FIND MY MEDICINE pants: THEREFORE I REQUIRE YOURS (HAND IT OVER PUNK)

spigot: '''''' spigot: ' ' ' '' spigot: '' ' ' '' ' ' spigot: YAY ITS SNOWING ] ]] ] 0T984 ASKDFJ943 spigot: ANYONE

spigot: I'D LIKE TO LICK / THE WORLD A DICK deuce: AND NO MORE / CUM DODGING

pants: LISTEN UP pants: I'M GOING TO THE MOON IN A FEW MINUTES AND I WANTED TO SAY A FEW THINGS FIRST ozone: CAN'T HEAR YOU ozone: DICKS IN EACH EAR

pants: THE FATTEST, THE GAYEST pants: THE FATTEST AND THE GAYEST pants: WHAT I'M SAYING IS

atandt: 1. DICK CLARK atandt: 2. DICK VAN DYKE atandt: 3. DICK VAN PATTEN deuce: 4. JORDAN MCKNIGHT deuce: WHOOPS SORRY GOT CONFUSED THERE atandt: 4. DICK BUTKUS deuce: 5. NINA DE PONCA deuce: WHOOPS SORRY deuce: MY MISTAKE atandt: IM ALL OUT OF DICK spigot: 6. THE TIME I USED SHAMPOO TO JERK AND EVERYTHING JUST GOT ALL FOAMY AND STINGY

spigot: i literally cannot believe louis ck left his house

spigot: literally all the characters in star wars are gay

spigot: does he literally have no idea he's putting his penis in her bottom

spigot: THEY LITERALLY MANSPLAINED ALL OVER MY FACE

pants: literally slobbering over the knob deuce: handkerchief daintily to corners of mouth, then back to it

pants: A LITTLE BIRD LOOKED DOWN ON ME AND SAID "SUCK MORE DICKS" WHICH IS WHAT BRINGS ME TO THE PRESENT, GENTLEMEN

spigot: FIRST I'LL JIZZ UP YOUR FACE SO YOU LOOK LIKE A RODEO CLOWN spigot: THEN I WRITE LITTLE COMEDY BITS TO PERFORM ON JERKCITY spigot: THE PLAINTIFF IN THIS CASE CLAIMS THE DEFENDANT POKED OUT HIS EYE THROUGH A GLORYHOLE spigot: THE DEFENDANT SUGGESTS HE WAS MERELY RELAXING AND DID NOT INVITE THE PLAINTIFF TO PERFORM spigot: LAUGHTER IS MY GIFT TO THE WORLD

deuce: I'M LITTLE ENDIAN pants: FUCK YOU

spigot: WHO'S GAY spigot: I VOTE ME deuce: I VETO spigot: OBJECTION

: KRAKOOM! pants: FEAR NOT TINY PEOPLES, I ONLY PLAN TO EAT SOME OF YOU uncredited tiny woman: JESUS! uncredited tiny man: SON OF A BITCH!

pants: COPS SENDING ROBOT INTO PARK RESTROOM

deuce: FOLKS I'M TRYING A SMOKED GOUDA TRISCUIT FOR THE FIRST TIME (STARTING MY LIVE BLOG) deuce: CRONCH CRONCH CRONCH deuce: NOT BAD (STOPPING LIVE BLOG)

atandt: I GUESS YOU DID NOT HEAR atandt: THE FONZI CONTEST WAS CANCELLED

spigot: BORN TO LICK (DICK) spigot: BORN TO SUCK (PRICK) spigot: BORN TO CHOKE (TAKE A GUESS!!!!!!!) spigot: DICKS OR PRICKS

pants: SYNDICATED BY LIVEJOURNAL ?????? ????????? ????????/////// WHAT IF MY MOUTH AND FACE AND NECK AREN'T BLOGWORTHY ????????? pants: I DID WHAT YOU SAID AND SET NMBCLUST TO 65535 AND MAX_KMAPENT TO 1500 AND THE FUCKING THING STOPPED CRASHING pants: I BROKE INTO THE HOUSE TO STEAL THE BUNNY (NO MONEY WAS TAKEN)

uncredited woman: THANKS FOR LETTING ME VOTE !!!! THE FREEDOM TO PUSH YOU OUT OF THE WAY WITH MY STROLLER AND MY 4X4 !!!! AMERICA / AMERICA uncredited woman: I PUT TAMPONS IN MY CUNT uncredited woman: SAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY TITS ??? DO I GET CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS BEFORE OR AFTER THE ACT ??? ALL I KNOW IS I CAN'T COOK BUT I CAN SWING ON A POLE

pants: MY BONER WILL NEVER DIE deuce: HE THAT BELIEVETH IN ME SHALL HAVE A BONER THAT WILL LIVE FOREVER pants: THE BEAUTY OF THEIR SOULS deuce: THEY DON'T HAVE SOULS

spigot: I READ THE CHRONICLE BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FORCE ME TO BE GAY IT JUST SUGGESTS IT pants: LITTLE MAN CLAPPING

spigot: THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT LIVING WITH MY CATS ON NOB HILL deuce: BUTTSLUTS ARE BORN, NOT MADE

spigot: WHAPPING MY DICK ALONG THE PICKET FENCE

spigot: LICK MY DICK TO THESE LO-FI BEATS

spigot: I AM A LOAD OF JIZZ deuce: LET'S GET IT ON deuce: OOOH BABE spigot: MY LOADNESS WAS NOT AN INVITATION TO COMEDY deuce: LET'S GET IT ON

effigy: ELECTRIC CHAIR... ELECTRIC CHAIR... ELECTRIC CHAIR. pants: LOAD-BEARING FAGGOTRY

pants: i got stuck in a block between loaded and unloaded chunks deuce: hot dogs are a subset of corn dogs but neither is a subset of dogs (FYI)

atandt: COMPUTER atandt: LOCATE DEUCE atandt: COMPUTER atandt: LOCATE DEUCE atandt: COMPUTER atandt: SIGH atandt: FOLKS MY STAR TREK COMMUNICATOR IS BROKEN deuce: T ATANDT YOU HAVE TO TAP IT LIKE THEY DO IN THE NEXT GENERATION

spigot: WHO DOESN'T LOCK THE COCKPIT TO BEAT OFF

spigot: DREIDEL DREIDEL DREIDEL / A HOOKER AND A WHORE spigot: OPEN UP spigot: I HAVE CHARTS AND GRAPHS WHICH ILLUSTRATE HOW FUNNY AND CLEVER I AM

spigot: DO WE AT LEAST GET TO RIDE THE QUEEN'S COFFIN DOWN THE LOG RIDE AT GREAT AMERICA

spigot: T DEUCE I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU THROW THE WORD "LOGS" AROUND deuce: I DON'T LIKE ANY OF YOU PEOPLE deuce: I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT

spigot: IF LOIS AYRES, NINA HARTLEY AND JEANETTE LITTLEDOVE WERE TRAPPED IN A BURNING BUILDING AND YOU ONLY HAD ENOUGH TIME TO SAVE ONE OF THEM, WHERE WOULD YOU AND JEANETTE LITTLEDOVE GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON ?????????????? THERE IS NO RIGHT/WRONG ANSWER AS LONG AS THE OTHER TWO BURN DOWN AND BE QUIET FOREVER deuce: I'M WITH YOU ALL THE WAY ON THAT ONE

spigot: LOL POOR PEOPLE deuce: T PANTS "LOL" STANDS FOR "LAUGHING OUT LOUD"

spigot: G G G G deuce: PFFFFTTTTHHHH deuce: I FARTED !!!!!!!!!!!!!! HHAHAHAH FSKH spigot: LOL BRB!!!!!!! : SPIGOT NEVER COMES BACK deuce: ROTFLMAO !!!!!!!

atandt: I ASKED YOU TO WAIT THIRTY MINUTES BEFORE LICKING ANOTHER DICK pants: NO CARS DELIVERED WITHOUT THIS CHECK atandt: YOU'RE GOING TO GET A HORRIBLE PAIN IN THE BELLY pants: ALLOW TWENTY MINUTES FOR CAR RETRIEVAL atandt: IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER I'D SWEAR YOU UNLICKED THEM ON PURPOSE pants: THIS CONTRACT LIMITS OUR LIABILITY! READ IT!

deuce: IT'S LONELY HERE WITHOUT COCKS & BALLS deuce: IF I WERE HTML I'D BE &AMP; deuce: MONOLOGUE PEOPLE deuce: ABHLABLHBAHLABHLABLHABHLABLH DICKS deuce: A MOMENT OF SILENCE PLEASE deuce: BALHBALHBALHABHLABLHBAHLAB

spigot: LONELY AND SAD spigot: AND ONLY DICK WILL HELP spigot: BONK BONK spigot: GUIDE ME I'M BLIND spigot: BONK DONK POKING

deuce: IT'S LONELY ON THE TOP (OF THE SHIT PILE)

spigot: A BIG DISCUSSION THAT LASTED LONG AND GAY AND FAT INTO THE NIGHT spigot: THERE WAS A LOT OF TOUCHING spigot: EVENTUALLY WE FIGURED OUT HOW TO INSTALL MICROSOFT PROJECT AND WE GENERATED A TIMELINE FOR MY BALLS

(pants): CAN THEY HEAR ME THINKING (spigot): YOU'RE NOT THINKING YOU'RE WHISPERING .(pants): HOW ABOUT NOW spigot: UH : PANTS THINKS LONG AND HARD ABOUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED HERE spigot: NOW THAT'S JUST

pants: OKAY NOW *YOU* TYPE AT THE KEYBOARD AND *I'LL* WATCH YOU TRY TO FOOL PEDOPHILES INTO MEETING AT THE LONG BEACH STING HOUSE pants: I SEE YOU BROUGHT WINE COOLERS AND AN OFF-BRAND IPOD

deuce: FUCK YOU PAY ME pants: THAT'S NOT pants: SIGHS, GETS OUT WALLET

spigot: in episode 2 of cosmos, dr. sagan describes how the destruction of an ancient japanese society led to ladies of the imperial court reduced to selling flowers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . spigot: . . . . . . . . . . (long long sagan pause) . . . . . . . . . . . . . spigot: . . . . . . and . . . . . "other things"

deuce: OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER deuce: ENCHILADAS FOR EVERYBODY

spigot: I DON'T HAVE A PRICK IN MY FACE PEOPLE spigot: [LONG PAUSE] spigot: THANKS FOR TRYING TO CHEER ME UP

spigot: T PANTS I FOUND THE VIDEOTAPE OF YOU/ME DICKLICKING IN VALLEY FAIR TOILET pants: I DON'T pants: KNOW WHAT YOU'RE (LONG PAUSE) pants: TALKING ABOUT

spigot: SO LONG STORY SHORT I'D LIKE TO REDIRECT THE NATURE OF THIS CONVERSATION AND BRING IT ON BACK TO WHY YOU DISCONNECTED MY PHONE AND UTILITIES

pants: LONG STORY SHORT I LICK DICK

spigot: WHAT IF EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD FLUSHED THE TOILET AT THE SAME TIME spigot: OR WHAT IF I JUST STUFFED EVERYBODY INTO A BIG FAT TOILET spigot: WHAT IF WE BUILT A STALL AND NOBODY CAME????? pants: LONG TIME PASSING

spigot: ABOUT YAY LONG spigot: ABOUT YAY THICK spigot: LADY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY GESTURES

deuce: LOOK AT MY COCK deuce: LOOK AT IT deuce: WOULD THIS COCK DECEIVE YOU

spigot: T ATANDT :-) spigot: LOOK AT IT SIDEWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! atandt: I AM A SAD PATHETIC SHELL OF A MAN

spigot: VERY EMBARRASSED BY MY HEAD GEAR spigot: GLUCK GLUCK LOOK AT ME spigot: AM I A FUTURISTIC ASTRONAUT OR A FREAK YOU DECIDE PEOPLE

spigot: FUCKING SHUT UP pants: I SEE YOU spigot: YOU MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT pants: LOOK DOWN

deuce: DON'T EVER /P ME AGAIN atandt: LOOK HERE FOR GREAT VALUES deuce: I'M LOOKING UNDERNEATH YOUR SKIRT BUT I'M NOT FINDING ANYTHING (JUST A CUNT) atandt: KEEP LOOKING deuce: DUDE A PACK OF CIGARETTES

spigot: WE ONLY TAKE YEGGS WHAT'S BEEN TO COLLEGE pants: MINK IS EDDIE DANE'S BOY deuce: YOU GUYS DON'T SPEAK RIGHT

pants: LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME THAT WASN'T YOUR MEMBER : SPIGOT LEAVES pants: I THOUGHT SO

deuce: HEY CHECK IT OUT GUYS IT'S JUPITER AND ITS FOUR BIG MOONS ALL IN A LINE deuce: LOOK IT'S M42: A NEBULA MADE OF GAS AND DUST WHERE STARS ARE BEING BORN deuce: CHECK IT OUT IT'S THE TERMINATOR ON THE MOON AND YOU CAN SEE MOUNTAINS: IT'S A REAL PLACE YOU CAN GO AND WE'VE BEEN THERE pants: WE GET IT YOU'RE ***GAY***

deuce: DICKS OVER HERE THIS WAY pants: JL: AEFJL: DFJL:SDJL: DJL: DSFJL:SDFJ pants: LOOK WHAT I CAN DO K:SFJLKSJFLSKDFJLSKDFJLSFJ pants: I'M THE KING

pants: LOOK WHAT I CAN DO WITHOUT ANY ASSISTANCE FROM THE AUDIENCE pants: HALUGHU LAHGLU HAULGHALUGHULAGHALUGHALUGH LAUGHLAUGH LUAGLAG pants: ALUKG HALGH LAUG LUAHGLU HGALU HAGL HLAUG HLAGHL AHGLU HALGH AAG OKAY I NEED SOME HELP HERE HUAGHALGU HALUKG LUAGH LUAG PERHAPS A LADDER OR A BUCKET HALUGHALGHLU

effigy: CLICK LOOKS A LOT LIKE DICK spigot: THAT'S SAD

spigot: I'M LOOKING IN THE MIRROR AND I JUST DON'T LIKE WHO I AM ANYMORE deuce: SQUIP SQUIRP SQUIRP SQUIP

deuce: I BELIEVE THIS WILL BE THE LAST BEER pants: YET STILL pants: OH HOLY GOD pants: THAT'S A GOOD ONE pants: NICE AND STURDY deuce: I BELIEVE THIS WILL BE THE LAST BEER pants: YET STILL pants: OH HOLY GOD pants: THAT'S A GOOD ONE pants: NICE AND STURDY

deuce: ITALIANS JOKES ARE ALWAYS FUNNY... ALSO ITALIAN CHOKES IRONICALLY ENOUGH spigot: I READ LITERATURE ON THE ITALIAN POKE CIRCA 1793 deuce: I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU KOREANS SOMETIMES deuce: I THINK I WILL RANSACK YOUR STORE spigot: YOU ARE LOOTING ME AND ALSO BOOTING ME

pants: THE LORDJESUS CHRISTHIMSELF spigot: DIARRHEAALL OVERTHE PELOTON PLUS

atandt: JESUS deuce: LHGHLGAHLGHL atandt: I WAS LOST THERE FOR A SECOND atandt: THEN I SMELLED THAT DISTINCT SMELL OF JUST LICKED DICK deuce: LIKE SINGED HAIR

net: HELP I'M LOST IN SCOTLAND WITH A VT100 dick: LET'S ZOOM IN

atandt: HEAD pants: NECK atandt: LOWER pants: NECK deuce: MOUTH pants: OH LORDY WE'RE FLOATING IN SPACE atandt: LOWER pants: NECK deuce: NOSE pants: LOWER deuce: FACE pants: NECK pants: TUMBLING IN ZERO G deuce: MOM deuce: I FEAR THE JUDGES ARE GOING TO GRADE US HARSHLY ON TIME

pants: T DEUCE WHAT DO EPA REGULATIONS SAY ABOUT MY BONER, MY BALLS deuce: YOU WILL NEED LOTS OF PERMITS

deuce: CHECK OUT MY HUGE PENIS: :GLASS_OF_MILK: pants: WE HAVE LOTS OF PRETTY PICKLES WAITING FOR YOU AT THE REFRESHMENT CENTER deuce: CLARIFY: WHATMANNER OF PICKLES pants: I SUCK DICK IN THE BATHROOM deuce: PICKLES ARECUCUMBERS WITHCHARACTER

pants: PICK ON SOMEBODY YOUR OWN SIZE pants: I AM YOUR SIZE pants: YOU COULD TOTALLY PICK ON ME

spigot: SIGH spigot: SIGH!!!!!! spigot: SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: NOBODY CAME TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

pants: BONERPLEX pants: LOUDING deuce: THAT WOULD BE 10^10^BONERS pants: NOTHING AT ALL LIKE ROLLERBALL

pants: LOUDSPEAKER: AND OUR HEROES LICKED DICK, THE END. PLEASE EXIT THE THEATER IN AN ORDERLY FASHION deuce: THEN THE POLICE CAME