spigot: HMM spigot: FAT PANTS <CHECK> spigot: GUN <CHECK> spigot: FOLLOW ME FOR FREE HEAD FLAG <CHECK> spigot: QUARTER FOR THAT PHONE IN THAT BAD NEIGHBORHOOD <CHECK>

spigot: IS A CROWDFUND LIKE A BLOWBANG pants: I'M SURE I DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE THINGS ARE

spigot: OKAY PEOPLE WE ALL HAVE A SERIOUS CRISIS pants: LAY IT ON US BABY spigot: WINGS AND ELLEN ARE ON AT THE SAME TIME pants: SHIT pants: WHAT TO DO

pants: I LIKE DICKS TOO MUCH TO STOOP TO THAT SORT OF BEHAVIOR pants: WAIT WAIT pants: WELL ALL IF I'M GOING TO DO THAT I'M GOING TO NEED A SOLDERING IRON

pants: WELL I'M GONNA GO HANG OUT WITH MY NEW FRIEND RACHEL MADDOW ON MSNBC BYE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! deuce: L8R pants: NOT LAWRENCE O'DONNELL THOUGH HE'S A HUGE GRABBY GUS pants: I'M ROCK HARD AND READY TO PARTY pants: GOT ANY BLOW (SNIFF) pants: WHAT I MEAN IS THAT YOU BLOW ME pants: DON'T BE SHY, FORM A LINE TO THE RIGHT pants: WHAT WE REALLY NEED ARE DEEPER MUSTARD JARS THAT I CAN DIP MY DICK ALL THE WAY INTO

pants: $LOCAL[0][0] = "BONERS" pants: PERL IS WEIRD deuce: WHAT WITH THE BONERS pants: CAN'T GET ENOUGH (SERIOUSLY) deuce: FAG TRAP :pants EMBRACES THE FAG TRAP :deuce THROWS UP

spigot: WHAT WOULD BE FUNNY WOULD BE TO REGISTER JERKCITY.COM spigot: CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT!!!!!!!!!!

spigot: WHAT WOULD BE SUPER IS IF YOU COULD PLEASE SHUT YOUR BIG FAT YAPPER

spigot: WHAT WOULD CHRIST DO pants: HE WOULD MAKE AN O OF HIS MOUTH AND GO ABOUT HIS BUSINESS

deuce: T PANTS YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS deuce: T PANTS YOU LOVE TOO MUCH pants: SQUIRT MUSTARD UP AND DOWN MY PENIS

pants: I HAVE A BOXCUTTER GIVE UP THE ASS

pants: NEW YEAR, NEW BAG OF FARTS spigot: WIFE SAYS I CAN LICK DICK WHENEVER I WANT, JUST NOT IN THE HOUSE

pants: WHY CAN'T WE QUIT OUR JOBS deuce: YES pants: GET A VAN deuce: YES pants: DRIVE AROUND deuce: YES pants: SOLVE MYSTERIES deuce: YES pants: AND SUCK DICKS ALONG THE WAY deuce: Y-- NO deuce: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

spigot: what's this about a control grope spigot: how / are ya fixed / for pricks

spigot: WHAT'S FUN IS TO DRINK AND DRINK AND THEN LAY IN BED LISTENING TO OLD TIME RADIO SHOWS pants: DO YOU SLEEP IN A BED THAT IS MORE CHIPS AHOY CRUMBS THAN MATTRESS AT THIS POINT THEN spigot: I MAKE SURE TO PASS OUT BEFORE THE END OF THE SHOW SO I CAN LISTEN AGAIN LATER

deuce: WANA FUK pants: WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME deuce: A FUK

pants: FUCK NOSTALGIA, THE PAST IS GAY deuce: THE FUTURE:WAY GAYER

spigot: WHAT'S STRANGE IS WHY MY PANTS ARE DOWN AND THE LIGHTS ARE OFF

deuce: IF I CREATED A BAND I'D CALL IT METALLICA deuce: WHAT'S THAT (FINGER TO EAR) OH

spigot: H spigot: A spigot: M spigot: B spigot: U spigot: R spigot: G spigot: E spigot: R spigot: S

.(spigot): FIVE SHAMROCK SHAKES A DAY AND I'M STILL A BLIMP WHAT'S THE DEAL HERE

spigot: YO WORD UP WITH THE ONE TWO WHAT'S THE HAPS HURR DUH

pants: WHAT'S THE MOST YOU'VE EVER LOST IN A COIN TOSS deuce: I DON'T KNOW I COULDN'T SAY pants: WATCH ME BEAT OFF

spigot: WHAT'S UP SEATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! beer bottle

spigot: SHOULD MY EHARMONY PROFILE SAY "I LIKE BURRITOS" OR "I HAVE A PASSION FOR BURRITOS" deuce: A PALATE INCLINED TOWARD BURRITOS pants: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY SUGGESTION (BURRITOPHILE) deuce: A DEEP APPRECIATION FOR THE SUBTLTIES IN AND AROUND BURRITOS - BURRITOESQUE spigot: I GUESS I DON'T LIKE THEM THAT MUCH

spigot: lol at spelling deuce: I DON'T KNOW THINGS

pants: OUR TRUE ENEMY pants: HAS YET pants: TO REVEAL HIMSELF pants: OR HERSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! IN THIS YEAR OF OUR LORD 2020 OUR TRUE ENEMY COULD BE A WOMAN

deuce: PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON pants: OKAY BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT THE SCRIPT SAYS deuce: YOUR PANTS TOO pants: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ARTISTIC VISION IN THIS TOWN (FUMBLING WITH DOCKERS)

pants: WELL I'M BORED pants: SOMEBODY ENTERTAIN ME pants: IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE pants: IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT HERE pants: A DICKLICKING SESSION IN PROGRESS pants: WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO spigot: I WILL SEE YOUR HONK AND RAISE YOU A BONK spigot: AND SOMETHING INVOLVING A DONK??? A CHONK??? WHATEVER IS MORE RACIST

pants: WILLING TO POP AND PUSH pants: TO SHIFT AND UNSHIFT pants: MEET JOE BALLS pants: SMELL ME pants: FUCKING SMELL ME pants: HYUNDAI pants: I WILL WANK IT AND I WONDER WHY AND I WILL GO BACK TO WANKING IT pants: THAT IS WHY YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ME (OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU DO)

pants: A GUIDE TO FULLY HOMOMORPHIC ENCRYPTION deuce: AS LONG AS IT'S NOT HOMEOMORPHIC

spigot: I THINK I'LL SUCK WHATEVER THIS IS spigot: BLUH PUH GROSS spigot: NEXT TIME FUCKING TELL ME

deuce: WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T LICK DICK IN THE TOILET spigot: I SEE DO AND DON'T SEPARATED ONLY BY A COMMA IN THAT SENTENCE

spigot: I WOULD PREFER MORE JIZZ AS OPPOSED TO LESS BUT WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT AVAILABLE DUM DE DUM pants: GOT TO GET IT UP, GET IT OFF, GET OUT

spigot: LET'S JUST SAY THERE'S A VERY GOOD REASON THEY'RE CALLED MOUNTIES pants: I'VE FOUND YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH SHOVE ANYTHING THROUGH THE HOLES AND THEY TAKE IT pants: WASHERS, GUM WRAPPERS, RUBBER BANDS spigot: PENCILS AND LITTLE FIGURINES AND WHAT NOT

dick: I AM BEGGING YOU ALL TO MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL pants: GAHLUGUHALUGHAG WHEATGRASS AND SALTWATER AHLGUAHULGAG

spigot: *ICK THE *ICK deuce: I'D LIKE TO BUY A VOWEL

spigot: MY JUNIOR YEAR IS REALLY MY MOST IMPORTANT YEAR EVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: HOARRKKTH BULLETS THROUGH MY HEAD AND MOUTH AND FACE AND BALLS AND LEGS spigot: I HOPE BYU HAS A WHEELCHAIR RAMP

spigot: I SHOULD TOTALLY USE MY PHONE TO TAKE PIX OF MY MOBLOG AND BLUETOOTH THEM TO MY AIRPORT IPOD WHILE I'M GARAGE BAND JAMMING WITH MY FELLOW ORKUTEERS AT COACHELLA spigot: WHEEZE PUFF PANT OH GOD MORE DICK spigot: HOMPTHLBLMRLBLOIHJRTH)(*JH

spigot: I DID NOT LIKE THAT VISIT FROM THE GHOST OF PENISES YET TO COME deuce: TURNS OUT GHOST PENISES POKE AND PROD JUST LIKE THE LIVE ONES pants: THE WORLD'S LARGEST UNDERWATER BLOWHOLE pants: SHOW ME YOUR DINGUS deuce: WHEN EVERYTHING'S BACK TO NORMAL I CAN FINALLY TAKE A BREAK AND BLOW MY BRAINS OUT spigot: A STEADY DIET OF PERFORMANCE PLANS AND PROGRESS CHECKINS

deuce: WHEN I GO TO SLEEP I DREAM OF PRICKS deuce: AND THEN WAKE UP AND YEP PRICKS THERE TOO deuce: SWEET PRICKS

pants: t deuce when i ring the little bell i expect you to appear at my bedside asking me what i want deuce: sorry, I'm on break pants: shitting together, holding hands, squeezing your fingers tight when i strain pants: what's your pin number

spigot: THE LONGSHOREMEN ARE EXPECTED TO RETURN TO WORK TOMORROW spigot: HGLBLGLTHGLHULG spigot: NO YOU MAY NOT BORROW THE LUBRIDERM spigot: WHEN I WAS A CHILD I LICKED DICK AS A CHILD

deuce: WHEN I WAS IN PRESCHOOL I GOT AN "E" FOR EXCELLENT IN MATH SKILLS AND IN INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS I GOT A "Q" FOR deuce: WAIT deuce: SHUT UP

pants: MOUTH RAPE IS THE MISUNDERSTOOD RAPE deuce: IT'S NOT REALLY RAPE IF THE VICTIM IS A WOMAN

atandt: WOLF TRAP FOUNDATION FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS atandt: J. T. BATTENBERG III atandt: DETROIT RENAISSANCE pants: IS TODAY CUPCAKE DAY OR NO

spigot: WHAT ABOUT MY FACE spigot: WHEN IS IT TIME FOR SPIGOT'S FACE

spigot: HOW COME THE AMAZING RANDI ISN'T SKEPTICAL WHEN IT COMES TO LICKING DICK

deuce: THIS IS THE SHITTIEST SHIT THAT HAS EVER BEEN SHIT (AND I'M A PRO WHEN IT COMES TO DETECTING SHIT SINCE I'VE SHIT SHIT FOR A SHITTILY LONG TIME)

spigot: MY DICK IS LOOKING AT ME IN THAT WAY atandt: DON'T PICK IT UP EVERY TIME IT CRIES

spigot: WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS!!!!!!!!! spigot: JUST KILL YOURSELF AND FLY AROUND THROUGH SPACE AND PLAY JOKES ON PEOPLE

pants: FILL MY FANNYHOLE WITH PISS deuce: THAT'S REALLY GROSS WHEN PHRASED THAT WAY

net: MY JIZZ RESEMBLES MAYONNAISE WHEN SPREAD ON BREAD net: DO YOU THINK THAT'S CAUSE FOR ALARM? net: OK BRING ON THE BIG SLAPPITY DICKS AND FOAMY POO

pants: THE END WON'T BE MESSY pants: IT WILL BE LONG AND UNCOMFORTABLE pants: WELCOME TO THE GIGGLEWEEDS (AND THAT'S ODD BECAUSE THE LAST TIME YOU VISITED THERE WAS NO SIGNPOST)

net: ENCLOSED PLEASE FIND ONE DONG WHICH I AM RETURNING BECAUSE IT IS TOO DARK net: I SPECIFICALLY CHOSE "CHOCOLATE" WITH AN ALTERNATE OF "MOCHA" BUT THIS IS CLEARLY AN "EBONY" net: WELL I GUESS WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY I REALLY CAN'T TELL WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE OFF

spigot: T DEUCE WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU TODAY deuce: T SPIGOT MAKE ME PRETEND TO BE YOUR DOG spigot: T DEUCE I LIKE SQUIRTING HONEY MUSTARD AND OIL AND VINEGAR ALL OVER MINE deuce: T SPIGOT YOUR WHAT deuce: SCARED NOW

ozone: MAESTRO 113% /USR/AMANDA/JT -U 7 SC0D6L0 ozone: SC0D6L0: UNLOADED CARTRIDGE TO SLOT 7 ozone: MAESTRO 114% /USR/AMANDA/JT -M 8 SC0D6L0 ozone: SC0D6L0: LOADED CARTRIDGE FROM SLOT 8 ozone: REWINDING pants: NOW WE CAN GET HIGH

pants: YOU LOVE IT WHEN THEY POKE pants: AS INDICATED BY POLLING DATA

spigot: ARE YOU MAKING "WHEN U NUT BUT SHE KEEP SUCKIN" SHIRTS spigot: WHAT'S WORSE IS WHEN U NUT BUT SHE KEEP EXISTIN effigy: A MAN SELLING ICE CREEEEEEAM... spigot: SUCKING ITALIAN DONGS

deuce: DADDY WANTS ME TO STOP SUCKING DICK (CONSTANTLY) pants: HOW DID HE EXPRESS HIS DISAPPROVAL deuce: A DICK TO THE FACE CURIOUSLY ENOUGH deuce: NOT REALLY SENDING THE RIGHT MESSAGE pants: STILL HE CARES

spigot: NUTS spigot: OH YOU'RE GONE spigot: WE'LL PICK THIS UP WHEN YOU GET IN TOMORROW

deuce: WHY DOESN'T THE GAY ALARM WORK WHEN YOU NEED IT TO spigot: BEEP

pants: so what do we get paid when somebody hearts our tweets spigot: i'm annoyed that there are never any comments, just useless hearts and RT's spigot: usually i hate all the shit takes in the comments, but these are our readers shit taking pants: where are all the reply guys deuce: Did you mean: _shittake_

pants: IS IT JUST ME OR IS IT MORE PUNK ROCK TO LIKE STARBUCKS AND LISTEN TO MADONNA

deuce: WHERE DID JERKCITY GO pants: JERKCITY IS A CRATER NOW

spigot: time to drink coffee and eat candy and watch movies all day spigot: hot tip: reese's "fast break" spigot: (king size plz)

atandt: HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT SUCKING OFF THE ENTIRE CAST OF USER FRIENDLY AND RAN OFF THE LOT

pants: WHERE HAVE ALL THE FAGGOTS GONE pants: T DEUCE I ASKED YOU A DIRECT QUESTION !!! WHERE HAVE ALL THE FPFHFHFHTTH FOUND 'EM

pants: OW deuce: WHERE IN THE WORLD DID YOU GUYS PUT MY BRA spigot: KNOCK IT OFF

pants: THE BUTT PLUG GOES WHERE?????????

ozone: FUCK YOU ozone: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT spigot: WHERE IS MY PULITZER PRIZE FOR DICK JOKES

pants: HELLO ?????? IS ANYBODY HERE ??? spigot: SORRY THIS IS NOT THE DORK SQUAD OR THE DOOFUS CLUB OR THE DICKLICKER SOCIETY

deuce: WHERE IS THE LOVE (pants): RIGHT HERE pants: CUPPED IN MY HANDS

pants: WHERE IS THE LOVE deuce: CERTAINLY NOT HERE pants: I THINK IT MIGHT BE HERE!!!! LOOKING UNDER SEAT CUSHIONS

deuce: OKAY BEDTIME deuce: NICE GALGHLAHGLAHG TALKING TO YOU GLAHGLAHGLAHG AS USUAL GLAHGLAHGLGHLAHGLAHGLAHGLAHGLAHGA deuce: HGLA

pants: URINE deuce: WHERE pants: WHAT deuce: I SAID WHERE AS IN WHERE IS THE URINE pants: BUT I WAS ASKING ABOUT THE URINE deuce: OH I SEE: SO YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE URINE IS EITHER pants: RIGHT deuce: YOU'RE JUST TEASING ME NOW AREN'T YOU pants: I THOUGHT YOU HAD URINE AND YOU WERE CONCERNED ABOUT THE LOCATION pants: WHEREAS MY RESPONSE WAS TO SLIGHTLY OPEN MY MOUTH, CLOSE MY EYES pants: FOR WHICH THERE IS NO TRANSLATION INTO THIS CYBERWORLD WE CALL [GAS CHAMBER]

deuce: OKAY FINE deuce: OFF TO RAPE GHOSTS IN MY SLEEP (WHERE IT'S TOTALLY LEGAL) deuce: LEGAL I TELL YOU, LEGAL

pants: NONE CAN DEFY ME! pants: I AM SUPREME! pants: I AM RULER OF ALL MANKIND! pants: HULAGHLAHGLAG

CAPTAIN: TODAY WE'RE GOING TO CONCENTRATE LESS ON OUTER SPACE AND MORE ON INNER TOILETS SPARKY: WOOF URF BZZZP HOP BOP PRIVATE JIM: BUT WHY CAPTAIN. CAPTAIN: HEY SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH FOR TWO SECONDS AND YOU'LL SEE PRIVATE JIM: THAT'S A ROGER SPARKY: BZZZZZ HURBLE BIP DIP PIP

spigot: HOME IS WHEREVER THESE SCALLOPED POTATOES DON'T TASTE LIKE MAGAZINES pants: MORE APPETIZERS FROM TRADER JOE'S PLEASE

: PANTS WONDERS WHERE THE HELL THE BONG IS HIDING pants: I CANNOT KEEP MY HANDS OFF MY GENITALS pants: MY ROUGH ROUGH HANDS

deuce: WHERE THE HELL AM I deuce: HOW DID YOU GET INTO MY BEDROOM

spigot: WHERE THE HELL ARE MY COCKITY NUTS spigot: OKAY FOUND THEM

spigot: HERE'S MY BLACK MIRROR IDEA: WHAT IF COMPUTERS DID A THING spigot: WHAT IF WE'RE ALL IN REALITY **AND** IN A DREAM BUT ALSO NOT REALLY spigot: WHAT IF SOMETHING WAS *** DIFFERENT *** SOMEHOW spigot: WHAT IF SOCIETY SUDDENLY BECAME SOME KIND OF A BIG SITUATION TYPE DEAL pants: MY NUTS POUNDED INTO A FLAT CIRCLE

pants: WHERE'S WALLACE AT pants: WHERE'S THE BOY, STRING pants: WHERE'S WALLACE AT pants: WHERE THE FUCK IS WALLACE pants: WHERE'S WALLACE, STRING pants: STRING pants: WHERE THE FUCK IS WALLACE pants: AND WHERE'S GROMIT

spigot: THE LAND O' LAKES JUVENILE DETENTION FACILITY deuce: THE RECENTLY RECOMMISSIONED DILDO POLISHING ACADEMY effigy: THE BALONEY SHINERS' UNION 12957?

deuce: ANOTHER HUGE POO pants: WHEN WILL MANKIND LEARN pants: WHERE WILL IT END

dick: WHERE'S MY FUCKING WIFE? deuce: SHE WASN'T WORKING IN THE KITCHEN SO I COOKED HER deuce: VOTE KUCINICH dick: WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO FOR DINNER NOW? deuce: I'LL SHIT HER OUT SHORTLY

atandt: WHERE'S PANTS atandt: I SURE HOPE HE'S NOT STUCK IN SOME JOHN GRISHAM NOVEL atandt: WHERE THE POLICE ARE CHASING HIM FOR THE WRONGFUL RAPE OF A BEATIFUL YOUNG atandt: HOLY SHIT THAT'S HUGE spigot: T ATANDT OR MAYBE HE'S LOST IN THE WONDERS OF AMY TAN'S HEARTWARMING spigot: DEPICTION OF THREE GENERATIONS OF A KOREAN FAMILY spigot: STRUGGLING TO OVERCOME THE OFTEN COMICAL LANGUAGE OF LOVE spigot: WIPE OFF THAT LIPSTICK, SLIDE ON OVER HERE AND LET'S GET STARTED

pants: COMPARING PAYLOADS pants: CHECKSUMS MATCH pants: NOT A FORGERY deuce: ESCALATION CONFIRMED pants: TURN YOUR KEY pants: *SPIGOT* IS FURIOUSLY TYPING WHILE THE PEANUT GALLERY IS BACK ON THEIR BULLSHIT

pants: WHEREUPON I EAT THE ENTIRE TIN OF ALTOIDS AND VOMIT FOAM FOR 30 MINUTES

deuce: CAN I WORK FOR YOU AT JERKCITY OR THE BUS STATION OR WHEREVER IT IS RIGHT NOW spigot: MEET MISTER BALLS

deuce: I JUST WANTED TO UNDERSTAND WHICH CUP TO FILL WITH URINE pants: ALL OF THEMS

deuce: T PANTS I JUST WASHED CLOTHES!!! NOW CAN I PLEASE BE LET OUT OF THE DUNGEON deuce: SORRY, *MAY* I pants: THE DIRTY CLOTHES DUNGEON OR THE REGULAR DUNGEON deuce: UNCLEAR (IT'S V. DARK) deuce: I THINK I SMELL A WUMPUS pants: SO THE REGULAR DUNGEON pants: DENIED

pants: DO YOU HAVE THE PASSWORD FOR MY MOUTH deuce: I THINK IT'S "DICK" ("COCK" IS ALSO ACCEPTED WHICH IS A SECURITY ISSUE)

spigot: LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS DIARRHEA pants: THIS MUCH IS TRUE spigot: WHICH IS FUNNIER: BONERS IN PRUNE SAUCE OR ALL OF US DYING OF PROSTATE CANCER

pants: grand prix deuce: Le Mans deuce: both equally gay pants: which is gayer pants: the pact is sealed

spigot: WHICH IS WORSE: A SYMPOSIUM OR A WEBINAR