spigot: I ONLY HAVE LIKE TWO THOUGHTS spigot: SHOW TUNES AND THE COOKIE DRAWER

pants: LET'S FORM A RAP SUPER GROUP pants: AND SING ABOUT EDUCATION AND MATH pants: WE'LL MAKE LEARNING FUN FOR INNER-CITY SOCIOPATHS spigot: A PTHH A PUTHHH RAPPIN BOUT MATH spigot: YES INDEED spigot: TWO TIMES SEVEN TIMES SIX IS THREE spigot: BREAKIN' spigot: URF HURF spigot: BEATIN' THE WIFE LEAVES NO REMAINDER spigot: TWO RAPES GOES INTO HOW MANY YEARS

pants: JACK ME OFF UNTIL I CAN'T SEE pants: ABOUT 4 MINS WORTH pants: AYUH deuce: 2-3 IS STANDARD

spigot: TWO TRUTHS AND A DICK IN YOUR MOUTH spigot: FREE TROOFS

deuce: I WISH I WISH I DIDN'T SUCK THAT FISH'S DICK pants: *POOF* pants: YOUR MOUTH NO LONGER TASTES LIKE SALMON SEMEN pants: YOU HAVE TWO WISHES LEFT

spigot: two words: spigot: complete bay area news coverage mornings on @@

: Brief Announcement: : There is no truth to the rumor that gweeds will appear in an upcoming episode of Jerkcity. spigot: TWO WORDS spigot: PEE SPLATTERED FACES deuce: SIR THAT'S THREE WORDS (SPUTTER)

spigot: TWO-PART QUESTION FOR THE LADY spigot: IT'S NOT REALLY AN 'ORAL OVERDOSE' IF THERE'S ONLY ONE DONG, IS IT. spigot: AND IF YOU TRULY OVERDOSED ON THE ONE DONG, DO YOU REALLY BELONG HERE

deuce: farting it up pants: scanning the horizon for farts deuce: farts detected pants: set course for farts deuce: course set, type `engage` to lick dick pants: > GO FARTS

spigot: TYPE 2 DIABEATOFF

effigy: I am so fat I have type III diabetes effigy: my belly precludes me from interacting with my footwear deuce: standing up after cleaning the catbox makes me wish I'd never been born pants: oh god bending over is the worst effigy: when I drop things, I become very deeply angry at myself deuce: zactly deuce: how much do I want that thing back pants: can i pick it up with my toes deuce: we're not disgusting monkeys so we don't manipulate objects with our feet effigy: I would pick it up with my toes IF I COULD SEE MY TOES pants: but what if it fits between my toes and i want it back more than i want to bend over to retrieve it

pants: I HAD A DREAM THAT I WAS A STUPID CHARACTER IN A COMIC STRIP pants: THEN POO SQUIRTED OUT AND THAT WAS NOT A DREAM AND I'M UP AT 8:30 AM WITH THE SHEETS spigot: I REACH FOR THE BONG ONLY TO REALIZE I AM NOT AT HOME pants: WHEN I TELL PEOPLE MY STORY I'M GOING TO SUBSTITUTE "UFO" FOR "THE FISTING SLING" deuce: FUCKING FAIRIES

deuce: FINALLY JERKCITY IS ALL MINE deuce: UH deuce: I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY deuce: UH deuce: BONERS

spigot: I STAND FOR THE FLAG AND KNEEL FOR THE DICKS

spigot: OFFICIAL HUG TESTER spigot: WAY GAY AND ON DRUGS OVER HERE PEOPLE spigot: NOTE: NOT GAY

spigot: T DEUCE IF PIZZA IS SO GREAT WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ONE DELIVERED TO ME deuce: I'LL DOORDASH YOU A DICK spigot: NOT WHAT I REQUESTED deuce: UBER EATSING YOU ANOTHER DICK spigot: DID YOU TIP

spigot: U PUT THE U IN UBUNTU spigot: U ARE THE TRAILING U GETTING BUNTED spigot: U ARE LITERALLY BUNTING URSELF spigot: IN UR BUNS spigot: AND THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT

spigot: Q: WHY IS MY DONG LIKE A UFO spigot: A: IT LACKS ANY DETECTABLE HEAT SIGNATURE

pants: UHM atandt: YOU HAVE INTERESTING THEORIES SIR pants: ERR pants: TUGGING ON MY COLLAR

deuce: UHURA SURE IS HOT IN THAT MIRROR, MIRROR OUTFIT

pants: why doesn't minecraft have cars and airplanes and copters and rockets deuce: Ultima II did

spigot: MISS THURMAN MISS THURMAN!!!!! spigot: IS IT TRUE "UMA" IS SHORT FOR "USELESS"

deuce: I SPEAK FOR THE UNBORN deuce: AND WITH ONE UNIFIED VOICE THEY SHOUT: deuce: BURMA SHAVE

deuce: YAY AMAZON HAS ANNIE CHUN'S PHO SOUP AGAIN spigot: SHE SOUNDS LIKE AN UNBEATOFFABLE PORN STAR deuce: OR DOES SHE?!?! spigot: WHY DO YOU NEVER PET MY SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD

spigot: MY PENIS IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY HELLO FRESH effigy: I AM STILL SPONSORED BY SQUARESPACE

pants: TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET

pants: CAN WE PLEASE UNCLOG THE TOILET THE OLD FASHIONED WAY pants: THIS VENTI MOCHA IS MAKING ME SQUIRTY spigot: BETTER REGISTER AN EPINION pants: IT'S ALL OVER THE KEYBOARD pants: THE POINTING DEVICE spigot: THAT'S OUT THEN pants: PRESSING THE STAR KEY FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE spigot: NOWHERE DOT FATLAB DOT MIDDLEAMERICA DOT EDU

pants: STOP BEATING ME OFF BETWEEN SONGS, YOU SLOW DOWN WHEN THE MUSIC FADES OUT AND THEN YOU ARE TOTALLY NOT BEATING ME OFF IN THE UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE BETWEEN SONGS deuce: GHGAHLGALHAGLHGA pants: STOP

spigot: FOLKS I SAW NOTHING IN THE STUDENT HANDBOOK ABOUT UNCONSCIOUS DUMPSTER DATE RAPE deuce: SHOW YOU RIGHT

net: INFINITE DICKS????? net: OK THE DICKS WERE INFINITE TO START OUT WITH net: I WOULD LIKE UNCOUNTABLY INFINITE DICKS deuce: THE SET OF DICKS HAS THE SAME CARDINALITY AS THE SET OF INTEGERS ?!?!?!? UNFATHOMABLE

pants: GAS pants: FOOD pants: COCKS pants: NEXT EXIT

deuce: /USR/LIB/CRT0.O(.TEXT+0X35): UNDEFINED REFERENCE TO 'MAIN' deuce: IT KEEPS DOING THAT pants: WOULD YOU, COULD YOU BE MY SMOOTH BUDDY

spigot: I'M GAY ALL OVER AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME

pants: T SPIGOT DO YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME WE WERE UNDER THE DOME spigot: PEOPLE KEPT TELLING ME NOT TO LEAN ON THE DOME OR SMUDGE IT LIKE I WAS TOUCHING THEIR MONITOR

pants: OH GOD ANAL pants: PRECIOUS ANAL pants: I DON'T TRUST BANKS SO I KEEP THE ANAL UNDER MY MATTRESS

deuce: I BOUGHT NEW UNDERWEAR THAT I'M TRYING OUT pants: HOW’S THAT GOING deuce: SHOULD I MODEL THEM FOR YOU GUYS :DANCER: deuce: :FISHING_POLE_AND_FISH: pants: I CAN ALREADY SEE YOU THROUGH THE VARIOUS SECRET CAMS deuce: I'M JERKING OFF RIGHT NOW pants: I KNOW

pants: WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE COCKS WHY COCKS HOW COCKS COCKS pants: COCKS pants: YOU SEE WHAT I'M GETTING AT HERE deuce: UNDERSTOOD

deuce: WHERE THE HELL'S MY TIVO REMOTE

spigot: YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO LICK MY DICK UNDER THE MISTLETOE spigot: FIVE SECONDS spigot: ONE SECOND REMAINING spigot: OKAY ACTUALLY THAT'S A FERN spigot: THIS CHASTITY CAGE JUST SLIPS RIGHT OFF spigot: IT'S A SOCK

atandt: WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THE SINK pants: I CANNOT SAY atandt: GET OUT RIGHT NOW pants: THIS I CANNOT DO atandt: SHOULD I JUST CLOSE THE CABINET DOOR AND GO ABOUT MY DAY pants: YOU SUCKED IN GODFATHER THREE

atandt: HOW DID YOU GET ALL OF YOUR FATNESS UNDER THERE AT ONCE pants: THE ACOUSTICS ARE FANTASTIC atandt: HOW IS IT THAT ANY NOOK OR CRANNY YOU SQUEEZE INTO INSTANTLY BECOMES CRUISY WITH MEN pants: MAGIC (AND AN AMAZING TEAM OF MARKETING PEOPLE) atandt: SERIOUSLY I NEED TO DO THE DISHES UP AND OUT NOW pants: NEVER

atandt: DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY WANT TO WATCH ME TRY TO GET YOU OUT FROM UNDER THE SINK ALL WEEK pants: HLAUGHLUAG MY COLD DEAD HANDS HLAGHLUAHLUAG atandt: AT LEAST HAND ME A SPONGE pants: THEY ARE TIED TO OUR HEADS atandt: OKAY WELL I'LL TRY NOT TO RUN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL pants: EITHER WAY

spigot: PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT MY BONER UNDER THE TABLE AT THANKSGIVING

deuce: IF I COULD JERK OFF TO ONE THING I'D JERK OFF TO YOU YOU AND YOU deuce: AND YOU UNDER THERE pants: THERE'S NOBODY UNDER HERE spigot: I'M BEHIND THIS CURTAIN spigot: (FLAPPING AT IT) pants: I WOULD COME OUT FOR HEAD COUNT BUT I AM STUCK UNDER THE SINK pants: IT IS COLD AND DAMP pants: SOMEBODY LEFT THE CAP OFF THE 409

pants: I HAVE BOOBS UNDER THIS SWEATER pants: SHAKE THEM VIOLENTLY pants: LEAVE NO WITNESSES

spigot: COCKSUCKING IN THE *** METAVERSE *** pants: DO I HAVE TO CHANGE OUT OF MY SWEATS FOR THIS spigot: UNDER-RATED :POINT_RIGHT::SKIN-TONE-2:SHITPOST:POINT_LEFT::SKIN-TONE-2: ALERT pants: THIS IS WHAT THE DEVIL DOES :ROOSTER: spigot: THINKING DARK MATTER IS JUST COMMON HOUSEHOLD DOGSHIT pants: CAPITAL FARTS, MADAM

pants: CAN I MAKE BEEF STEW pants: STEW pants: LET'S WATCH HOME ALONE TOGETHER pants: FING FANG FOOM pants: BE BROWN WITH ME pants: I'M A WET BALL pants: BAHHHH I'M A SHEEP pants: DIE-CUT DEUCE STICKERS pants: T DEUCE CAN WE HOLD HANDS AND WALK INTO THE SEA : PANTS LEFT THE ROOM pants: HACKED

spigot: I ALSO HAVE A SERIOUS SIDE AND I'M TIRED OF NOT BEING TREATED MORE MATURELY spigot: T PANTS MATURE SORT OF SOUNDS LIKE MANURE spigot: WHERE ARE THOSE FUCKING ASSHOLES ANYWAY

pants: underneath all the piss and shit and dirt is............... pants: me it's me pants: pants from jer--bonequest

pants: SUBDIVIDED INTO QUEER UNITS pants: FIDDLE WITH MY UNDERSIDES pants: SALIVARY GLANDS WORKING OVERTIME HUALGHA87GAYGHAG

spigot: OKAY GANG: FUNNY THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN AT THE BEACH spigot: READY GO spigot: COCKSUCKING spigot: PULLING MY PANTS DOWN spigot: FACE, BALLS, UNDERTOW pants: I HAVE MITES

spigot: T PANTS YOU TAPED FRIENDS AND FRASIER BUT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO WINGS?? pants: T SPIGOT FIRST LET'S DISCUSS THE FATE OF MY UNDERWEAR AND SOCKS

deuce: UNENTONASTIC pants: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME IN ARAMAIC

pants: IT IS WRONG TO WRECK HOOKERS dick: WHAT'S MY FUCKING PROBLEM deuce: YOU'RE OLD pants: THEY ARE A COMMUNITY RESOURCE AND A NATIONAL TREASURE pants: UNFOLD ME

spigot: IT JUST GOES TO PROVE WHY I FIND YOU COMPLETELY REPELLANT deuce: UNGH

spigot: what if we both take a shit in a couple of hot dog buns and you leave them unguarded in the dogbert conference room

deuce: {{YOUAREFAT}} pants: {{SUSPECTED-PEDOPHILE}}

spigot: WELPS TIME TO HAUL OUT MY DEEP COVER SUPER SECRET WEAPONIZED A.I. SURVEILLANCE DRONES COMMISSIONED BY OLIGARCHS AND DISCREETLY FLY THEM OVER PEOPLE'S HEADS WITH FLASHING SIRENS AND LIGHTS THREE HUNDRED AT ONCE EVERY NIGHT spigot: HEY DID YOU SEE ALL THOSE CRAZY ORBS IN THE SKY?? I AM FREAKING OUT !!! spigot: CHECK OUT MY HIGH-RES FOOTAGE I ZOOMED IN SO YOU CAN SEE THE GROUND AND A TREE TRUNK spigot: A BIG HUGE PRODUCT LAUNCH FOR SAMSUNG??? LITERALLY NO IDEA WHAT'S HAPPENING THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING spigot: GOOD NEWS SIR THE ALIENS ARE HERE TO REMOVE ALL THE WALNUTS FROM FUDGE deuce: MAYBE THE UFOS ARE JUST YOU BEING GAY spigot: SO WONDEROUS

hanford: LISTEN UP FOLKS hanford: WILL THE PERSON WHO PISSED UP MY WIFE AND KIDS PLEASE TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD hanford: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

spigot: rod & gun club spigot: folks, i'm unironically based and redpilled like the plebs on plebbit spigot: more like ghirardelli squirts

deuce: DICKS ??? MORE DICKS ??? PERHAPS BIGGER DICKS STILL ???? pants: WELCOME TO THESE UNITED HOUSES OF PANCAKES

deuce: T PANTS I AM SERIOUSLY TIRED OF YOUR CONSTANT CRIES FOR UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE deuce: T PANTS FOR THE LAST TIME COCKSUCKERS DO NOT GET TO VOTE pants: T DEUCE STRIKE !!!!!!!! I VOW NOT TO SUCK ANOTHER SINGLE DICK UNTIL HALGHUALGHLUHLAUHLHALHGLUAHLUAG WHATEVER SOMETHING LUAGULAHGLUAHG

spigot: A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHARLESTON CHEWS MAYBE

bung: T SPIGOT HAVE YOU REACHED UNIX GURU STATUS YET spigot: I CAN CD INTO A DIR bung: +5 MOUSE PAD OF JERKING

spigot: SILLY RABBIT ...... >>>UNIX<<< IS FOR >>>>TRIBBLES<<<< spigot: GAK THE HOOD BEING PULLED DOWN OVER MY HEAD AND GLK THE STRINGS

pants: NOTHING ESCAPES /DEV/COCK deuce: USER=LUSER !!!!!!!! ECHO HI $USER !!! HAHAHA HAAHAHAH AHAHA deuce: UNIX JOKES ARE THE FUNNIEST AND HOLY GOD YOU'RE STRETCHING ME OUT ozone: & deuce: DON'T PUT ME IN THE BACKGROUND YOU DEAL WITH ME RIGHT NOW pants: FG deuce: THANKS deuce: GGHLGAHLGAHLAGLHAGHL pants: OH DEAR GOD pants: ^Z pants: LET'S JUST LEAVE IT LIKE THAT UNTIL MY PENIS GROWS BACK deuce: I DESERVE IT (SUSPENDED)

spigot: I'M A UNIX POWERUSER WITH A MOUTH FULL OF FUCKING BALLS

pants: AH DISCONNECTED PANEL ONE TRUDEAU STYLE pants: THEY SAY LOVE IS BLIND pants: BUT I LICK DICK pants: SO THERE YOU GO ozone: ALSO NOT TOO BRIGHT pants: HEY WAIT pants: COME BACK pants: -- UNKNOWN USER "OZONE" pants: I WAS GOING TO PROPOSE TO YOU

pants: i can't jack off unless arson deuce: so, still a less weird fetish than a foot fetish

pants: GET IT TOGETHR MAN deuce: WUHHHHHHHHH pants: THERE ARE UNLICKED DICKS IN THE OH WOW A TYPO LET'S START AGAIN FROM UNLICKED DICKS IN THE BRIG deuce: YES SIR pants: THERE ARE UNLICKED DICKS IN THE BRIG AND WE'VE GOT TO GET DOWN THERE

spigot: GOOD LORD I NEED A TOWEL pants: IT'S UNLOCKED spigot: TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP pants: I SAID IT'S UNLOCKED spigot: BAM BAM BAM BAM HEAD PEOPLE

pants: WHY CAN'T I HAVE DOWN'S SYNDROME deuce: BECAUSE YOU ARE UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE ALL YOUR CHROMOSOMES

:hey: YOU GUYS SWITCH PLACES deuce: END ME pants: PUSHING YOUR FACE INTO THE TOILET THEN REALIZING THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU MEANT pants: PUSHING HARDER

spigot: CONVERSION FROM 'LONG' TO 'UNSIGNED DONG' : POSSIBLE ERROR spigot: I THINK NOT spigot: FOLKS I'M GOING TO CHECK MY DONG INTO YOUR MOUTH(S) deuce: THERE IS NO WAY THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WRONG (ANSI C 5.1.2.2.1)

pants: I'M A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY pants: JACK ME OFF deuce: UNSUBSCRIBE

pants: UNSUBSCRIBE deuce: DIARRHEA REDISTRIBUTION FOR FAIRNESS spigot: WE CAN'T ALL HAVE DIARRHEA

pants: LITTLE BONGHIT deuce: SUCKING ??? pants: WHAT DOES YOUR SANDWICH BOARD SAY deuce: I AM SUFFERING A MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION deuce: HHHHH AIR PLZ pants: I CANNOT ALLOW THIS spigot: PIGTAILS

atandt: IS MY HOT DOG READY YET

atandt: IS MY HOT DOG READY YET

spigot: MGM JUST OPTIONED MY UNTITLED DICKLICKING COMEDY spigot: HOBBY TRAINS DON'T SEEM SO "STUPID" NOW DO THEY

: I masturbate just about daily. Sometimes twice if something sets me off. Like an Entertainment Tonight segment on supermodels or the mailman. You have to be willing to go down that path and find your inner masturbator and convince him to get into the zone and go for the gold. If not the gold then perhaps a handful of semen.

: Sometimes, when I go on business trips or vacations, I don't get a chance to masturbate. When you stomp around a strange city all day and come back to an impersonal hotel room, it's hard to get it on. Here's a tip: pack something soft to spurt into. Leave it in the room after you check out.

: Did I mention I was molested? I'm pretty sure I did, once or twice, but you did not offer to discuss the matter with me. Let's have a nice quiet dinner and have a frank discussion about my dad's dong and how he put it in my mouth and ass now and then. Anyway, I'm clearly the victim here and that's why I don't suck dick. I hope you understand.

: Now I don't want to get into the specifics but semen has an oyster-like consistancy and stings when it dribbles off my stupid face and into my eyes. Holy Christ, it stings.

: One time I was masturbating outside a bar in Capitola. A police officer shined his light into the alley and found me with my pants down. I explained that I was taking a leak. For my troubles, the officer gave me a lecture about how I could be charged with a sex crime, how I'd have to register as a sex offender in every county. Thank goodness he let me off with a warning.

: You can meet the most interesting people masturbating in the bathrooms of malls and department stores. Go to your town's Emporium during your lunch hour and hang out. If you're not particular, there's always Arby's.

: For the most part, you can determine how many times you have masturbated. Pick a year the battle began and an average number of sessions per day. Consider this: when all the numbers are multiplied out, you can then determine how much semen you've generated. Enough to drown a toddler? Hmm?

: Eventually, if you bang your head long enough, the wooden puppet transmogrifies into a real boy and then you have trouble with the feds. Until then, it's a shell of a thing, a thing without a soul. There is no water inside me, just a little dirt and a silverfish.

spigot: TODAY'S JERKCITY GETS AN "F"

pants: UNVAXXED DICKS????????????? WELL MAYBE IN A PINCH DURING WINTER OR SOMETHING

spigot: T PANTS ASKING FOR THE LAST TIME SINCE YOU SEEM UNWILLING TO RESPOND: *DO YOU THINK BAILEY JAY HAS GAINED WEIGHT*

spigot: UHHH497HBGNG pants: YOU'RE LOOKING RATHER RAGGED TODAY spigot: MY SCENE CALLS FOR ME TO HAVE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT SUCKING COCK pants: A SPOT OF ADVICE FOR YOU THEN OLD BOY pants: TRY ACTING spigot: DO8FSDFGMMM

spigot: MY PENIS FELL ASLEEP TODAY SO IT'LL BE UP ALL NIGHT

dick: TINKLE POTTY dick: TINKLE POTTY TO THE MAX spigot: T DICK I DID A TINKLE IN THE POTTY OF AN OFFICE MAX ONCE spigot: MOSTLY IN THE POTTY spigot: I SOAKED UP THOSE UNUSED TOILET PAPER ROLLS PRETTY GOOD spigot: WIFE WAS ANNOYED WHEN I BROUGHT THEM HOME!!!!!!!! spigot: SOAKED HER UP AND DOWN PRETTY GOOD spigot: RETURNED HER TO OFFICE MAX FOR STORE CREDIT AND REPEATED THE WHOLE THING

spigot: really not sure i've ever encountered a child or a baby who doesn't belong in a cage spigot: i mean one of those cages isis squirts up and down with lighter fluid

pants: GET OFFA ME pants: RIGHT THIS INSTANT pants: NOW NOW NOW pants: UP AND OFF pants: C'MON pants: LET'S GO pants: NOT ASKING YOU AGAIN

pants: THERE HE GOES spigot: LET'S ALL BE GAY pants: I'M UP FOR THAT spigot: SUPER

deuce: SMASH MY LIKE BUTTON deuce: T EFFIGY IT'S UP HERE effigy: THAT LOOKS LIKE A DONG deuce: UP HERE