spigot: "THE ANTICS AREN'T NEARLY AS CUTE AS THE FILM THINKS THEY ARE" spigot: EBERT DID NOT LIKE SCHINDLER'S LIST pants: NEW RULE: LESBIANS AREN'T CONSIDERED GAY effigy: YA, GAY TAKES WORK. pants: GAY MEANS KNOBBY DICKS AND SMOOTH ASIAN BOYS effigy: NODS WISELY

spigot: CHECK OUT MY NEW KICKS!!! pants: THAT MEANS SHOES pants: ARE THOSE spigot: APPLE-CINNAMON BEAR CLAWS FROM HAPPY DONUTS

deuce: [MASTER CAUTION] deuce: [MASTER ALARM] deuce: [MAIN BUS UNDERVOLT] deuce: [O2 PRES. LOW] deuce: [NEW SILENT KEY AVAILABLE] deuce: [REENTRY SHIELD FAILURE] deuce: NOW IT'S FULL SCALE HIGH

spigot: I SAY WE INVESTIGATE KENNETH STARR'S PERSONAL LIFE!!!!!!!!! spigot: IS IT TOO LATE FOR THAT COMMENT spigot: FOLKS I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS ANITA HILL THING spigot: HURRRR spigot: WASHINGTOONS!!!!!!!! CLICK HERE

pants: HLUAGHULUHALGAG NOM NOM NOM pants: OM NOM NOM NOM GAHULGUHALG BUHLUHLAGHLAHGAG pants: THOSE TWO THINGS DON'T MIX WELL

spigot: IF YOU WERE SERIOUS ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT YOU'D KEEP SUCKING

deuce: WOOK I'FF GOD A MEDOW BAW STUKH IMMY TUNGH deuce: SLURP SMACK DUH CLICK RAKE DUH AIN IN COO deuce: SLURP SMACK DUH

spigot: come on you guys it's news spigot: what's cooler and more interesting than the news deuce: t spigot dicks deuce: t spigot horses deuce: t spigot paint deuce: t spigot rice deuce: t spigot do you want more exammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

deuce: THEY SAY YOU SHOULD LET YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS KNOW deuce: HOW MUCH YOU CARE ABOUT THEM OFTEN deuce: BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOUR TIME IS UP deuce: WELL I JUST GOT A CALL FROM MY DOCTOR deuce: SO I'D LIKE TO SAY FOR THE RECORD deuce: WITH ALL MY CLOSE FRIENDS HERE deuce: FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU spigot: PEOPLE WHO BEAT OFF TO LAUREN PHOENIX ARE CALLED LAUREN PHOENICIANS deuce: I HAVE AN EAR INFECTION

spigot: THE CYBERARTS

pants: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I DON'T KNOW GO READ A NEWSPAPER OR SOMETHING

spigot: HOMPH HOMPH HOMPH NEXT HOMPH HOMPH HOMPH NEXT HOMPH HOMPH HOMPH spigot: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

spigot: PRETEND I'M THE 54 TO WESTGATE AND YANK MY DONG AND SAY NEXT STOP spigot: THEN I CAN PRETEND NOT TO HEAR AND KEEP DRIVING WHILE YOU CONTINUE TO YANK IT spigot: YOU HEARD ME

atandt: WHEN I READ JERKCITY I BECOME TUMESCENT pants: NEXT TIME PUT HIM UP ON THE CROSS AND KEEP HIM THERE

spigot: NEXT TIME WE'RE IN THE CITY WE'RE NOT GOING TO THE BUTT WAGON spigot: AND I REALLY MEAN THAT spigot: ARE THEY EVEN OPEN THIS LATE

deuce: MY GOD HAS A CHECK NEXT TO YOUR NAME

pants: HOW DID YOU GUYS DO DURING NO-FART FEBRUARY deuce: I GAVE IT UP FOR LENT

deuce: Marquess of Cockville pants: charmed i'm sure (flaps paper fan) deuce: nice frilly ruffles you big ponce pants: powdered wig, fake mole on cheek

pants: I'M A JIZZ BUG deuce: I'M A JIZZ BUG SQUASHER deuce: NICE TO MEET YOU, JIZZ BUG pants: HOWDY

pants: GET OFFA ME deuce: GRRRRRRR spigot: OFER pants: MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AND POW deuce: IT JUST CRAMS RIGHT UP THERE FUCKER pants: HONK deuce: SUCK IT UP CHIEF

hanford: WHO ISN'T STONED? (SHOW OF HANDS) deuce: ARF pants: QVACK hanford: FUCKERS

pants: /NICK PIGLET spigot: G G G GHOSTS pants: /NICK PISSPIG

pants: HLUAGHALGHALGHLAUAGH pants: WAS RE: DICKS deuce: DICKS

deuce: TOOT TOOT deuce: I'M SWIMMING deuce: OKAY NOW I'M SINKING deuce: GLUG GLUG GLUG deuce: HEY THIS IS NO FUN ANYMORE

spigot: THE ANCIENT WISDOM OF THE ELDERS spigot: HURR MY NIGHT-TIME MOUTH GUARD SO I DON'T GRIND MY TEETH spigot: JUST PUT A PENIS IN THERE LADY

pants: I BEAT OFF NIGHTLY deuce: AWESOME

atandt: IS TOILETSTL EVEN YOUR REAL NAME pants: REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID NINE DICKS NINE TIMES AND WE HAD A FIGHT THAT ENDED WITH YOU THROWING THE CALCULATOR AT ME ??? GOOD TIMES

spigot: BILL NYE DON'T GOTTA CUSS IN HIS RAPS TO SELL RECORDS pants: NEED 9 MORE KINDS OF MUSTARD FOR THE FRIDGE DOOR

pants: SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR BONEQUEST 9000

pants: I WILL BE GAY NINE TIMES OUT OF NINE pants: IS THIS THE REAL SUPREME COURT pants: OR JUST YOUR FAKE LIVING ROOM COURT AGAIN deuce: OBJECTION

: August 17, 2007 : Dear Reader, : Regarding the correct operation of the machine: We suggest that you review the printed information which accompanied it. : Sincerely yours, : Jerkcity : p.s. Now we are nine. (Today is Jerkcity's birthday.) : p.p.s. The one on the left is "Deuce" pants: COCKS deuce: YOU BE QUIET

deuce: I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE A HEART TO HEART ABOUT YOUR PACKAGE (ADDRESSED TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR) pants: NITRITES ARE DIFFERENT THAN NITRATES

pants: [EXPLETIVE DEPICTING SEXUAL ACT] deuce: ARE WE READING THE NIXON TAPES NOW pants: THAT WAS IS REAL????? I THOUGHT IT WAS A MOVIE

spigot: NNNGGGG THE DEW POINT

pants: There's no ass in the whole world like a young Jewish girl who's hooking pants: i'm not speaking fucking chinese am i pants: an unlicked dick has the same number of atoms as a licked dick (stoney-faced asberger's stare)

deuce: WANNA FUK pants: KIIIINDA deuce: ALL RIGHT THEN FILL OUT THIS FORM IN TRIPLICATE AND WAIT 3-6 WEEKS pants: THERE'S NO BETTER TIME TO GET THIS PROCESS STARTED THAN RIGHT NOW

pants: A GOOSE RAN OVER MY GRAVE deuce: SO I FUCKED THAT GOOSE GOOD deuce: (EXPLOSION OF SETTLING FEATHERS, NO BIRD LEFT)

pants: GET ON IT deuce: WOULD YOU CONSIDER BANGING A GONG deuce: OR DONGING A BONG net: OR WANGING A CHUNG deuce: LET'S LIGHT THIS CANDLE deuce: SHITTING A P pants: NO CANDLES (THEY BRING MOTHS)

deuce: I AM THE THING pants: JOHN CARPENTER'S OR MARVEL COMICS' deuce: A LITTLE FROM COLUMN A AND A LITTLE FROM I{I{XDXD NO CARRIER pants: DON'T WORRY FOLKS HE'LL REDIAL

spigot: CLONK BONK BONK BONK BA-DONK BA-DONK BA-DONK HELLO DONK DONK DONK

pants: PLANET AOL spigot: 1175 HOURS FREE FOR 50 DAYS

deuce: *SOME* CUMDODGING ALLOWED spigot: TONY SOPRANOEVALUATING ITON A CASE-BY-CASE BASIS spigot: FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU'RE DODGING: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS BUSINESS spigot: NO DISRESPECT

pants: LET'S HAVE IT pants: A ONE AND pants: A TWO AND pants: A THREE pants: BUH DICK

spigot: NOT APPEARING IN JERKCITY AGAIN UNTIL WE INSTITUTE A NO CUM DODGING ALLOWED POLICY spigot: NO EVADING, AVOIDING, ABSTAINING, SIDESTEPPING, ETC. NO GIVING THE SLIP, NO ELUDING OR DEFLECTING/CIRCUMVENTING

deuce: IT'S A HORRIBLE LIFE (BUT WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD)

pants: OH GREAT THIS ISN'T ANY BETTER EITHER pants: MAYBE IF WE JUST OH CRAP IT HAPPENED AGAIN pants: SOME KIND OF TERRIBLE TASTE TEST INVOLVING PISS AND CAT HAIR

deuce: MY .45 ACP SAYS THAT YOU WILL NEITHER "TRICK" NOR "TREAT" pants: PERHAPS "WET" AND "FLEE"

spigot: T PANTS MAYBE DEUCE WILL LEARN THE JAVA FOR US deuce: T SPIGOT IMPOSSIBLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A CAR spigot: T DEUCE JUST LEARN THE JAVA AND MAIL IT TO ME deuce: T SPIGOT I JUST TOLD YOU I'M A COMPLETE MORON I'M NO HELP WHATSOEVER spigot: THEN EMAIL deuce: OKAY

pants: WILL YOU PLEASE MASTURBATE TO MY FACE deuce: OKAY I CAN DO THAT pants: GET READY TO ROCK STEADY deuce: HOLD IT deuce: HOLD IT deuce: SPENT pants: DO YOU MIND IF I OPEN MY MOUTH WIDE AND WAGGLE MY TONGUE deuce: NO I GUESS NOT

deuce: T PANTS HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING POT pants: NO I HA pants: YES

spigot: HI deuce: NO I WILL NOT GIVE YOU HEAD

spigot: the jerkoff instructions you shared were super helpful, thank you spigot: i'd been jerking ***on*** this whole time spigot: plus i wasn't touching my penis, had no idea that was a thing

spigot: WHILE YOU WERE OUT LICKING DICK, I WAS STUDYING THE BLADE AND LICKING DICK deuce: SO YOU'RE MORE PRODUCTIVE IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING spigot: NO IDEA WHERE I PUT THAT BLADE

deuce: COULD SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO JERK OFF deuce: I WANT TO GIVE IT A SHOT BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE TO START pants: CAN I PERFORM THEM AS A HIP-HOP SONG

spigot: SOME KIND OF CLAMP SQUEEZING AND STUFFING MY BALLS INTO AN ENVELOPE AND MAILING MYSELF BACK TO JERKCITY ANONYMOUSLY pants: 4000 FOLLOWERS TREAT pants: *** NO IDENT RESPONSE

deuce: AHHH, MY WEEKLY SHOWER deuce: NOW I AM NO LONGER A THREAT TO HUMANITY deuce: FOR A FEW DAYS

spigot: HEIL HITLER LADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: PULLING TROUSERS UP spigot: THEN DOWN AGAIN

pants: ESCAPE CHARACTER IS '^]'. pants: BONERS? pants: CONNECTION CLOSED BY FOREIGN HOST.

spigot: I'M SQUIRTING YOU WITH LIQUID SUNSHINE spigot: I'M JERKIN' OFF ON YOUR FACE spigot: SMILE ALREADY spigot: NOW ACT LIKE YOU DON'T LIKE IT, LIKE THE URINE DISGUSTS YOU spigot: NO LOOKING AT THE CLOCK WHEN YOUR FACE IS FULL OF COCK

deuce: ZSH: NO MATCHES FOUND: THE MOUTH OF PANTS pants: NOOOOOOO

pants: DO NOT BOTHER (I WILL JUST END UP EATING IT)

deuce: SHUT pants: NO MOP IS SAFE FROM MY URINE

dick: UP THAT THING, AMIGO dick: NO FOOLIN dick: RUMBA RUMBA RUMBA dick: OH YEAH dick: JESUS dick: UH-OH dick: HERE COMES OLD MAN MILLER dick: THAT FAG ALWAYS WANTS A BLOW JOB dick: STAND BACK dick: BLOWING dick: BLOWING dick: BLOWING dick: POP! dick: (GLAD THAT'S OVER) dick: WELL THAT'S IT FOR DICK dick: NO MORE dick: ENDING dick: SAD

pants: pray with me deuce: this isn't prayer pants: it is a form of prayer deuce: what am I praying to pants: i think you know deuce: also why are you hovering over me pants: no more questions pants: just prayer

spigot: NO MORE TALK ABOUT HOW MY DOWNLOADS ARE GAY

spigot: THE INVITATION SAID POTSTICKERS BUT I GOT THERE AND IT WAS POT**SMOKING** AND PROSTITUTES!!!! WELL YOU CAN BET I PIVOTED RIGHT THERE

spigot: EGG FU PRICK spigot: PORK DONGS spigot: DICK STICKERS spigot: LEMON BONERS spigot: WHAT KIND OF FOOD IS THIS

spigot: SHE WHIP-WHAPPED MY VISA CARD IN THE CLONKY LITTLE MACHINE IN A WAY THAT SUGGESTED I WAS NOT JUST ANOTHER BLOWJOB ENTHUSIAST spigot: THEN I GUESS SHE FELT WE NEEDED SOME TIME APART???? spigot: SIR MY ARM pants: WE WERE TIPPING THE WHOLE TIME SO THERE'S NO NEED FOR THE ROUGH STUFF

pants: COCKS deuce: NO NO NO deuce: LET'S NOT START THAT AGAIN

spigot: NO OFFENSE BUT PLEASE GO EAT A DICK AND THEN PLANT YOUR FACE IN A PILE OF DOGSHIT (TODAY) spigot: CLEARLY THAT'S NOT A BONG

spigot: NO OFFENSE BUT YOUR MOUTH IS LIKE AN ANCHOR AROUND MY DICK

pants: SO I JIZZED AND IT BURNED THROUGH THE FLOOR AND THEN WE ALL RAN DOWN TO THE DECK BELOW AND IT BURNED THROUGH THAT AND THEN WE RAN DOWN ONE MORE LEVEL AND IT FINALLY STOPPED AND WE'RE LUCKY IT DIDN'T BURN THROUGH THE OUTER HULL pants: NO PART OF ME IS HAPPY ABOUT THIS

spigot: LITERALLY JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING YOU COULD DO ALL OVER MY FACE

spigot: ARE RUSSIAN BOTS PROSTITUTES BECAUSE I SEE NO PROBLEM HERE OR THERE

spigot: WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF SUCCESS FOR A CINNAMON ROLL? `UM NO RAISINS` [SEND]

pants: keep your eye on my balls deuce: are they about to do something amazi-- pants: no reason in particular, I just think they're neat

pants: FACIAL pants: WHERE CAN I GET A FACIAL pants: A FACIAL FOR MEN THAT IS NOT GAY pants: FIRST TIME FACIAL MEN TOTALLY STRAIGHT NOT GAY BEARD-O pants: MEN'S FACE CARE NOT GAY pants: FACIAL FOR A MAN WITH A BEARD NO PISS NOT GAY pants: +FACIAL -"STAR WARS" -"LORD OF THE RINGS" -"AVOCADO TOAST" pants: PLEASE WRITE BACK ONLY HERE UNTIL SATURDAY

deuce: YES SIR IT'S ME spigot: HI!!!!! deuce: WORD UP !!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: STRAIGHT UP !!!!!!!!!!! spigot: T DEUCE WILL THERE EVER BE A RAINBOW?????????? *BEEP* deuce: UHHHHHHHHHHHHH spigot: EXPLAIN THE JIZZ ALL OVER MY FACE spigot: THERE'S NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWER

pants: WHERE WILL IT END deuce: ANOTHER HUGE POO pants: THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THE WEAK IN THIS GAY TOILET

deuce: HEY EVERYBODY I STOPPED SMOKING spigot: T DEUCE NOBODY LIKES A QUITTER

atandt: MAKE BUTTER IN MY TROUSERS

.(pants): NO SUCH THING AS A DICK ZOMBIE????? I'LL SHOW THEM pants: THE WORLD NEEDS MORE THAN ONE TARDBLOG pants: THINK OF ALL THE POSSIBILITIES: TARDBLOGGING, TARDCASTING

spigot: A WORLD WHERE MISTER BEAN IS NO LONGER FREE TO MAKE FUN OF GOING TO CHURCH????????? NO THANK YOU

spigot: NO THANKS, I DON'T LIKE TO POO IN MY PANTS. spigot: HURRR SMOOSHED FLAT AND SQUARE INTO THE SIDE OF THE STALL LIKE ONE OF STEVEN SODERBERGH'S VINTAGE LENSES spigot: NINE ERECTIONS REMAINING

pants: THE MIGHTY BUFFALO pants: T DEUCE HEY YOU GOT ANY SHIRTS THAT NEED STARCH OR ANY RAILROADS YOU NEED BUILT pants: MAYBE AN OPIUM DEN NEEDS MANAGEMENT TYPES deuce: WHAT DID I MISS

atandt: WE SHOULD LICK LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW deuce: I THINK WE SHOULD SUCK LIKE IT IS 1999 SO THERE WE OBVIOUSLY DIFFER atandt: I THINK I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO A POSSIBLE COMPROMISE

deuce: DALEKS AND CYBERMEN spigot: MY DONG IS WHAT YOU WOULD CALL "AL DENTE"

pants: FORCED ANAL pants: T DEUCE NO WAIT pants: ANAL BY CHOICE

pants: EATING DICK IS LONELY WITH A SPORK deuce: WOW THERE YOU ARE deuce: I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR YOU deuce: ESCORT THE EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO HIS QUARTERS AND LOCK HIM THERE pants: NO WAY

deuce: LGHLAHGLAHGLAHGLAHGLAHGLAHGA pants: GHLAGHLHUALGHALGHULAG pants: MINE'S SMALLER deuce: NO WAY, MINE'S SMALLER pants: PUSH IT SOMEWHAT WELL deuce: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY, MAYBE DO IT; THEREFORE, PUT SOME BUT NOT ALL, OF YOUR BACK INTO IT

pants: YOU MIGHT SAY I'M SANS SERIF IF YOU KNOW WHAT I HURRR pants: VICODIN FOR THE ASS pants: AMBIEN FOR WHAT AILS YA pants: DELICIOUS AFTER DINNER MINTS FOR EVERYTHING ELSE pants: AND YA DON'T STOP pants: IS THAT YOUR DREAMCATCHER pants: I SWEAR I KNOW WHO THE MONSTER IS (pants): WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR

spigot: THAT'S NO WAY TO BEHAVE spigot: HUHHHHHH spigot: PRICKASAURUS FACE

deuce: T SPIGOT THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN TELL ME THAT MY NUTS AREN'T BIGGER THAN YOURS BY AT LEAST A YARD CIRCUMFERENCE

spigot: WHY ARE THERE NO WOMEN IN SCIENCE??? spigot: WHY ARE THERE NO WOMEN IN TECH??? spigot: WHY ARE THERE NO WOMEN ENGINEERS??? spigot: WHY ARE THERE NO WOMEN MATHEMATICIANS??? spigot: WHY ARE THERE NO WOMEN SUPERHEROES??? spigot: WHY ARE THERE NO WOMEN CEO'S ??? spigot: WHY ARE THERE NO WOMEN DIRECTORS ??? spigot: WHY ARE THERE NO WOMEN GAME DESIGNERS ?? spigot: WHY ARE THERE NO WOMEN IN THE WRITER'S ROOM ??? spigot: WHY ARE THERE NO WOMEN IN COMEDY ??? spigot: IT'S LIKE A BEAUTIFUL DREAM

spigot: nobody cared who I was until I pulled out my dong

spigot: IF YOU LICK A DICKIN THE WOODS spigot: AND NOBODYIS AROUND TO HEAR IT spigot: WHERE DID IT COME FROM

spigot: NOBODY LIKES A QUITTER (IN CURSIVE: 2UITTER)